December 26, 2008
Ah, some of you out there will be able to fully relate to this... and the frustration it brings.
I have been learning so much of the heart and mind in my journey through love, with its myriad wants, needs and desires. Ever since I ended my last truly serious relationship in 2006, I fear I have not quite been the same. Something has gone a bit unbridled, wild... well, to be honest, I've fully come into my Self, my power and my beauty and frankly, it's made me quite undateable. I'm struggling to understand this, and I believe writing it out will help so bear with me (if you've chosen to read at all!) :-)
When I was younger I never believed I had beauty or any other seriously wonderful qualities, so I dated whomever seemed interested and was vaguely interesting themselves. That worked just fine; I actually dated some fine people, learned a lot- about assholes in the beginning, and about gentlemen as I began to "wake up". Through that time I learned what I like, what I don't like, and what I ultimately am seeking. While this was all going on, I sought to better myself- becoming highly educated, molding my body to my likeing, honing my wit and humor, and becoming the dancer and performer my heart cried out to be. This is the creation I have become... I have worked hard to become the graceful, funny, talented doctor I am now. I like what I have done. I'm proud of it.
And I can no longer accept "ordinary" as a match for myself. I have become especially multi-faceted and want nothing less from anyone I date. Why should I?
In my heart there is a man, pieced together from the wonderful qualities of all the men I have loved over the years- not just lovers but friends, as well. So many amazing qualities! And in my heart he is there, the Ideal Man, the absolutely unattainable man who likely does not exist. But why not? After all, I exist- smart, cute, talented, successful... why should there not be a match? And yet. Yet.
I'm torn between wanting this amazing man as a mate- the one I will settle with, and cherish; and wanting a little physical satisfaction in the here and now (I've got those needs to meet too... grrrr...) which doesn't need to be with an amazing guy. I just can't though. I have found I am really and truly no longer able to have a casual fling with anyone, because I want to be with someone of the caliber I present. I feel like a lot of guys just don't give a shit, don't put in the effort.
So here's the unattainable bit. (I bet you thought I was referring to the Ideal Man in my heart, didn't you? Yes, but there's more!) There are some pretty amazing guys out there, and I find them from time to time. When I do, they are always, for one reason or another, unattainable. Taken, married; gay; preoccupied; unwilling to date for some reason or another; living too far away; the list goes on and on. My heart has been smashed so many times these past few years for these reasons. It sucks, truly sucks. I know there's a pattern here, of course; isn't it "safe" to fall for a guy who will not even give you the time of day? Or who thinks you're good enough to roll around with but keeps the heart locked up tight?
The amazing thing is, the guys who I find to be of the quality and caliber I like, are always locked up tight somehow. Beautiful, creative, talented, smart, sensitive, energetic... and completely walled up. I would say there's a pattern except for the fact that I haven't met any that aren't in this way. The rest of the guys I've met that ARE available are ordinary, intimidated by me anyway, or so on.
The ones who have been available and seem to be amazing, have deal breakers... children, for one. That's a big one.
If there is a pattern, which I'm sure there is (it's safer to fall for someone who won't fall for you, right?) I find it irritating and wish to get over it quick, so I can enjoy a satisfying connection as well. It would be so lovely! All this love to give, locked up tight and wasted on my cats. Fri,