death of the deer

Fri, November 7, 2008
I never even saw him until he was already hitting the car. It's rutting season... he was likely headed out on a date... at 5:30 this morning. He never made it. I saw him as his shoulder hit the front passenger bumper of the car, and then he was hitting the side of the car and it was done.

I threw the car, very much damaged, in park and had the presence of mind to throw on the hazards. I jumped out and trotted in my gym shorts over to where he lay. Mostly I was worried that he had run off, injured, to die somewhere; but there he was, a beautiful, healthy until that moment young buck. He was a 3 point buck, just getting into his prime. I was crying before I even reached him, where he lay in agony. My heart was wrenching for him to see him lift his head every now and then, wanting to run from the pain and the death. I sad by his back on the pavement, crying, giving him Reiki, waiting for the cops a nice lady had called for me.

As I sat with him, heartbroken, I prayed to Epona and Cernunnos to take him home to the summer lands. What a waste of a beautiful animal. I talked to him and apologised, keeping Reiki hands on him gently until the officer came and ended the pain with a bullet. I felt so helpless... I am a veterinarian! I am in this business to help and to heal, not to kill with so much pain. So senseless. And I felt so helpless, knowing what I could do to end the pain and unable to as I had only my car, and a dull pocket knife in the glove box. Nothing worth using.

I tried to find out if I could at least use the meat, or donate it somehow. Use the hide and so on. There was no way to, with me unable to transport him. It is going to go to waste. And that to me is the saddest thing of all, to have taken a life and watch it wasted this way. I pray for him and for forgiveness for taking a life and not using it as it should be. I hate that the world works this way... he could have fed a family and his death would not have been in vain.

All I can do is shed tears for a life taken.

I am unhurt, but the car is likely totaled. Why not? It's already been a hard couple of years; I'm ruined, financially, between the fire, school loans and a job that doesn't pay me enough to make it to the end of each monthly paycheck. I know I will be ok, I always land on my feet as my friends point out... but I am stretched thin, and getting to where I may not be able to recover. This is a lot of stress that I didn't need. I am surrendering to the absurdity of it all, financial ruin to follow my dreams of being a healer. In the end, if I lose everything and can never pay for anything again, I will still be a healer and my body is sound... more than I can say for that poor young buck.


Blessed be, little brother, find the Summerlands and run free again.