Saturday, August 12, 2006

One crazy summer

So is it here I will relate to my Self and the world what has been going on? I swear since I have recieved my Reiki II attunement, the world has gone mad. Or I have. I have done so much work that my mind begs for rest, and yet, now that I have it I am screaming inside from boredom- unable to even settle down into a project to give myself the satisfaction of completing something. Having just moved and unpacked my life yet again, I am full of accomplishment... what I need is rest, but I am unable to contemplate how to do that.

What then, shall I relate? The craziness of the summer is all wrapped up in the drama I have created around myself. On purpose. Because. I live, live large and fully, with the water all the way on and high... I cannot do it half way, I have to go full bore. Runs in the family.

So I began with one crush. Then it went to two, in a short period of time; harmlessly enough I watered and fertilized each one, seeing that it was returned in kind. Why not? Why not give myself options, see where things go, what may develop? After all I used to be the kind of girl who would jump at the nearest person who showed interest. Now I have decided I want to be the kind of woman who critically appraises the options and goes for the best fit. Makes sense, really, when you look at it... makes sense to me anyway.

And so they were nurtured, each in his own special way. I like the attention, no question; and hid nothing from each, leaving it right in the open that I was playing and nothing more. Who needs to end up with tangles and lies and hurts? Not me! This means that they were willing and fine with the idea.

As the summer rolled along, I began to see more and more of the personalities come out. I was pleased to be able to be the acquaintance of the men I chose; I picked good ones this time, bold, happy, funny, robust and clever; generous and kind. Yay!

Then I got played. I am not 100% shocked or unhappy since I knew going in that this one was a player; but the silvered words snared me anyhow. I was led to believe something that was not true, and I never garnered enough steam in the anger to make a difference in the time I had after that... but he blew away what trust I had built, and though he remains as a fun time and a toy, I know that he will never be anything more than that. He has a long way to go before he will ever be a trustworthy partner, I can see that and it's a shame... because I know he's thinking if there was ever anyone he'd try it with it'd be me. No such luck, sorry... I know a Player when I see one, and I was willing once to believe in reform but that day has passed.

As for the other, he is far more trustworthy and in fact would be incredibly steadfast and loyal... but I remain wary for I see looming on his horizon a lot of upheaval and uncertainty. If there is anything at this juncture that will make me run, that's it. I can't have any turmoil in my life right now. I just let go of a relationship with so much angst, turmoil and sadness that I can taste the murky waters in the back of my throat if I linger too long on the thought... I have had enough sadness in the past year to last me for a lifetime. I have had enough. This person, this gentle and sweet man, is on the brink of major work and discovery; unfortunately it all too much reminds me of my role as the Queen of Chaos and sorry, the Queen has left the country. And so he has become a Friend, and my heart is indeed torn where he is concerned because he is so sweet and smart and straightforward. I have made my choice and told it to him, hurt him because I am unwilling to explore love with him; if we can remain friends I know I will be glad, for he is a sweet and wonderful presence in my life.

Then the summer was at it's peak, right at the Solstice in fact when I met him. The Jolly one. I was strolling along with the Player at my side, walking among brightly colored tents and pennants through the scented air when we came to the pavillion we sought. There were many people lounging about in its shade, but my eye was immediately and fully drawn to only one person, who stood out energetically in a way I cannot describe. He was dressed in a black T shirt, wearing sunglasses, his long curly dark hair down around his shoulders, looking like trouble in a carefree summer afternoon... I went straight to him, took his hand and said, "There you are." What else was there to do? No one else even existed at that moment.

That evening I spied him in leather pants with no shirt but grew too shy to even talk to him; it happens to me sometimes. The next morning I meandered about with my parasol against the strong sun and came upon him working about the pavillion, again in his T shirt, with his hair tied back; I stood and chatted as he put torches about the grounds, watching his muscles move as surreptitiously as I could. I leaned in closer to shade him with the parasol and listen to his words- oh and the drawl... it didn't matter what he said... but the next thing I knew, I had a dark kiss on my lips. I was struck silent.

As the week went on the Jolly one and I got to know each other better, and events became clouded from one or another strange experience; but I hold these strong first moments in clarity for the times to come. I say this because the connection was immediate and electric; and the connections thereafter were so strong that I shied away as a horse from a shadow, letting my fear dictate what I thought with what came next. Despite the fear and resignation I come back to those moments because they are so rare; and because again despite the fear and resignation I have not been able to get him from my mind, his laugh and his smile and his voice.

One by one the others have fallen away. I have delivered the news to the Friend, that it cannot be. I have caused him hurt and torn my own heart in the process. The Player has yet to be told what will and will not be; he is content to believe that we are dating, that I can be a convenient relief for his body when he wills it and not before- I have not been treated to such casual disregard of my own needs in a long time, and I was somehow willing to put up with it until recently... hey I am getting too old for Players... see you when you feel like it? Hmmm. That works for a while. Not for long.
And now I am anticipating a visit from the Jolly one and waiting to see what will bloom. I try and have no expectations; we could end up not liking each other very much, couldn't we? But is that ever the result from such attraction? I am often easily annoyed, as I am with the Friend; I will try and stay open but I am what I am. I am ready for something good...