aaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhh!

Sun, April 9, 2006
I am trying so hard, so very hard, to bend my will and study like it's all I want to do. I shouldn't bitch, I know, I'm priveleged to be in vet school and lucky to be getting this education... that's the stuff they said in the packets I got when I was accepted, it seems... but hey folks, it sucks. It really and truly does. I am exhausted and can't stop. I try to sqeeze in some form of pleasure into my life here and there, like seeing you lovely people, or going to the gym, cooking when I can... all these things bring profound guilt because it means I am not studying every single second. I am not an A student, and I have stopped striving for A's because it was making me so depressed; it would be an inhuman effort on my part to get there. I don't actually think it's possible. No, it's not one of those self depricating things; I really mean it. It is an insane amount of information we are trying to swallow, and Tufts is the most curriculum heavy of all the schools (the others are a little shocked at what we have to do!) I do love it for all the reasons I applied, like the fact that it is a humane based school heavy in ethics and so forth... and an institution that prides itself on having the most over achievers possible. But folks! I sometimes feel it is draining away who I am. It takes me a while to relax, and sometimes I realize that I forget who I am and how funny I can be. I don't like feeling I am losing my Self.
The hardest part is that it is nearly impossible to maintain a support group because I am simply not available. And this is the heaviest emotional and mental burden I have ever experienced; most of the time I feel I am pretty nearly alone in it, by design. It's not that anyone who loves me wouldn't jump at the chance to be supportive... but it's a matter of, when?
So I am profoundly frustrated, tired, burnt out, and I have the better part of two months left to the semester. I am so tired! So tired that I feel like I don't care now! I have an exam tomorrow, and have been beating myself all day with the test materials, trying so hard to chain myself to it and make it happen; my resolve has been crumbling, no focus...
Well enough bitching... this is why I don't often answer the 'how are you?' question; it's too much. Way too much. And most people can't understand (and I am not saying that meanly!) because they just can't...
It's like being thrown in a lake and being told that the only way to survive is not to swim, but to drink the whole thing...
ugh.
Tue, April 11, 2006
Thank you everyone for all your support. It isn't often that I reach out and bleed like that... but it's very comforting knowing that when I had to do it, you were all there to mop up the goo. Instead of telling me to suck up and deal, or shut the fuck up or whatever... you people are amazing, awesome... what can I say? My life is better and better all the time.