Fri, May 18, 2007
This weekend I am leaving to go on all my externships until Starwood. I will be traveling up and down the east coast visiting equine hospitals, learning as much as I can, looking for the next step. All this will culminate at Starwood, where I hope to arrive on Saturday if possible. I will be available by email, perhaps, and by phone...
It has been a surreal experience, embracing a gypsy life both out of need and desire. I made these plans back in February, in the comfort of my home. The timing is incredibly ironic, that this journey was to begin just as my home was destroyed. On an afternoon last week I packed my car to move to the second place I would be sleeping since I became homeless... it was bizarre. It was quiet and sunny and my heart was both heavy and light as I packed what belongings I have acquired into my car. Everything fit in the car perfectly, neatly. At times I would laugh for the simplicity of the life I am embarking on, bereft of choice; and at other times I would cry with the weight of this, that there is no home to return to in August when Starwood is over.
I am choosing a healthy outlook, as best I can- that this is an opportunity, a divine chance for experience. Letting go of all that was. I am looking at it from the viewpoint of- well, I have been scrubbed raw, and now I can rebuild. Rebuild however I choose, taking in only those things I absolutely need or want, letting go of all my life I accumulated over the years. All my childhood memoribilia, gone... all of it gone. I have made the choice to allow my life to be simpler, without the burden of so many 'things'. This can be freeing but there is a raw and deep sense of pain because it was taken from me- poof!- in one go, no choice, done. That is incredibly humbling and I cannot explain how I can feel so free and so lost all at once.
It is a bizarre way to embark on one of the greatest adventures I've planned for myself in a long time. I'm a little disjointed and out of sorts, a bit emotionally unbalanced and sad. I'm working hard to get myself to a gentle plane, a balanced state of acceptance. I hate being down and work so hard to bouy up. Where I am going no one knows of this tragedy. No one knew my kitties or any of what has passed. This, too is liberating.
And still... the experience of fitting all you (recently) own into a tiny matchbox car, this is strange. I know folks who have done this intentionally and with great relish, a sense of freedom and adventure. I am trying to get there. I am nearly there. No, I am there most of the time. The choice was taken from me though, and this does dampen it somewhat. Nothing I have is familiar, except the pentacle that survived on the dresser that has not left my neck since it was restored. None of the clothing feel like they are mine. It's just downright weird.
When I return in August I will be looking for a haven, some solace, a home. I have furnishings waiting for me stored elsewhere. Again, strange. None of it will be mine yet. It will take some time. I will need help in August. So many people stepped up to help immediately and for this I am grateful to the depths of my heart; but the work has not even yet begun because there is no home to restore me to yet. That work will be in August and it is then I will need love and care. My heart is broken for my loss, but I am still in shock because I have been moving towards this grand adventure; it is in August it will hit me when I return not to a home, but to a week of craziness looking for a home to live in.
Bear with me. This is going to take a while to heal. I am not the only one in the world who has been burned out of her haven, but I only know my own experience and I can tell you that while the good times outweigh the bad, the bad are heavy and damp.
See you all at starwood.