Saturday, August 12, 2006

One crazy summer

So is it here I will relate to my Self and the world what has been going on? I swear since I have recieved my Reiki II attunement, the world has gone mad. Or I have. I have done so much work that my mind begs for rest, and yet, now that I have it I am screaming inside from boredom- unable to even settle down into a project to give myself the satisfaction of completing something. Having just moved and unpacked my life yet again, I am full of accomplishment... what I need is rest, but I am unable to contemplate how to do that.

What then, shall I relate? The craziness of the summer is all wrapped up in the drama I have created around myself. On purpose. Because. I live, live large and fully, with the water all the way on and high... I cannot do it half way, I have to go full bore. Runs in the family.

So I began with one crush. Then it went to two, in a short period of time; harmlessly enough I watered and fertilized each one, seeing that it was returned in kind. Why not? Why not give myself options, see where things go, what may develop? After all I used to be the kind of girl who would jump at the nearest person who showed interest. Now I have decided I want to be the kind of woman who critically appraises the options and goes for the best fit. Makes sense, really, when you look at it... makes sense to me anyway.

And so they were nurtured, each in his own special way. I like the attention, no question; and hid nothing from each, leaving it right in the open that I was playing and nothing more. Who needs to end up with tangles and lies and hurts? Not me! This means that they were willing and fine with the idea.

As the summer rolled along, I began to see more and more of the personalities come out. I was pleased to be able to be the acquaintance of the men I chose; I picked good ones this time, bold, happy, funny, robust and clever; generous and kind. Yay!

Then I got played. I am not 100% shocked or unhappy since I knew going in that this one was a player; but the silvered words snared me anyhow. I was led to believe something that was not true, and I never garnered enough steam in the anger to make a difference in the time I had after that... but he blew away what trust I had built, and though he remains as a fun time and a toy, I know that he will never be anything more than that. He has a long way to go before he will ever be a trustworthy partner, I can see that and it's a shame... because I know he's thinking if there was ever anyone he'd try it with it'd be me. No such luck, sorry... I know a Player when I see one, and I was willing once to believe in reform but that day has passed.

As for the other, he is far more trustworthy and in fact would be incredibly steadfast and loyal... but I remain wary for I see looming on his horizon a lot of upheaval and uncertainty. If there is anything at this juncture that will make me run, that's it. I can't have any turmoil in my life right now. I just let go of a relationship with so much angst, turmoil and sadness that I can taste the murky waters in the back of my throat if I linger too long on the thought... I have had enough sadness in the past year to last me for a lifetime. I have had enough. This person, this gentle and sweet man, is on the brink of major work and discovery; unfortunately it all too much reminds me of my role as the Queen of Chaos and sorry, the Queen has left the country. And so he has become a Friend, and my heart is indeed torn where he is concerned because he is so sweet and smart and straightforward. I have made my choice and told it to him, hurt him because I am unwilling to explore love with him; if we can remain friends I know I will be glad, for he is a sweet and wonderful presence in my life.

Then the summer was at it's peak, right at the Solstice in fact when I met him. The Jolly one. I was strolling along with the Player at my side, walking among brightly colored tents and pennants through the scented air when we came to the pavillion we sought. There were many people lounging about in its shade, but my eye was immediately and fully drawn to only one person, who stood out energetically in a way I cannot describe. He was dressed in a black T shirt, wearing sunglasses, his long curly dark hair down around his shoulders, looking like trouble in a carefree summer afternoon... I went straight to him, took his hand and said, "There you are." What else was there to do? No one else even existed at that moment.

That evening I spied him in leather pants with no shirt but grew too shy to even talk to him; it happens to me sometimes. The next morning I meandered about with my parasol against the strong sun and came upon him working about the pavillion, again in his T shirt, with his hair tied back; I stood and chatted as he put torches about the grounds, watching his muscles move as surreptitiously as I could. I leaned in closer to shade him with the parasol and listen to his words- oh and the drawl... it didn't matter what he said... but the next thing I knew, I had a dark kiss on my lips. I was struck silent.

As the week went on the Jolly one and I got to know each other better, and events became clouded from one or another strange experience; but I hold these strong first moments in clarity for the times to come. I say this because the connection was immediate and electric; and the connections thereafter were so strong that I shied away as a horse from a shadow, letting my fear dictate what I thought with what came next. Despite the fear and resignation I come back to those moments because they are so rare; and because again despite the fear and resignation I have not been able to get him from my mind, his laugh and his smile and his voice.

One by one the others have fallen away. I have delivered the news to the Friend, that it cannot be. I have caused him hurt and torn my own heart in the process. The Player has yet to be told what will and will not be; he is content to believe that we are dating, that I can be a convenient relief for his body when he wills it and not before- I have not been treated to such casual disregard of my own needs in a long time, and I was somehow willing to put up with it until recently... hey I am getting too old for Players... see you when you feel like it? Hmmm. That works for a while. Not for long.
And now I am anticipating a visit from the Jolly one and waiting to see what will bloom. I try and have no expectations; we could end up not liking each other very much, couldn't we? But is that ever the result from such attraction? I am often easily annoyed, as I am with the Friend; I will try and stay open but I am what I am. I am ready for something good...

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Queen of Chaos

Change. Open. Expand...

That is what happens if you hang around with me. I can say all this with assurity simply because it has happened so many times with so many people that I can't ignore it or deny it... basically, I hang out with people, their minds are opened, they morph... change...My friends used to call me the Queen of Chaos, because it seemed to follow me around like an eddy or wake of a boat. In my path would not be destruction, but change (which can look like destruction to some I suppose). I can't help it. This may sound like a bunch of new agey weird stuff, but I have an effect on people that changes them. I don't know how to explain it without coming off as strange or like I have a big ego or something. I want to try. I need to express it so I can better understand it.

I am a doorway. A conduit...

So many of my relationships with men have been with people that were closed down and needed to be opened. This used to cause me a lot of pain because I didn't understand what was going on- why is it every time I get together with a guy, he blasts open, gets addicted to me, and I feel unfulfilled because I have nothing to learn? It distresses me because it means I attract people who need a doorway opened for them; and so often it will leave me in an awkward position because that is not a balanced relationship (because unfortunately, it's so strong it's often mistaken for love or a love relationship- in which the two people are not equal).

I have been stalked 5 times, and dealt with intense emotional attachments that I could not return... all the while thinking, why? I'm just me, I'm not a supermodel or intensely brilliant or anything... why does this happen? What the hell is going on?

A few nights ago it hit me like a ton of bricks. Solid and all of a sudden. Even the responsibility of what I have been unknowingly doing hit me all at once. I touch people- mentally or physically, doesn't matter- and they respond in a deeper way. Some people become frightened and find me too intense (something that also used to cause me a great amount of pain!) and then run away. Others find it exhilerating, and want to have it, be it, own it; that is something that has never settled well with me.

I am a healer, and people are attracted to me for exactly that; for my energy, my vitality, my wholeness and happiness. I have dated a lot of very very sad people, deeply sad, because they feel something is missing from their lives; what they don't realize is that it wasn't me they were missing, but themselves... their own SELF... and I put them there, in touch with it, and they mistakenly think that it was me all along. I heal without even noticing I do it. It is that strong. But it leaves me so sad too, because I feel like I cannot attract the sort of person that is not sad and not 'needing' me. I felt pretty desolate- as in, aren't there any other people like me out there, who know how to recognize their own sadness and patterns and heal themselves? Why do I keep dating sad people who I fall out of love with as they fall deeper for me, because I cannot sustain enough happiness and energy for two?

Now, I don't mind healing a person who needs it. Healing is a great responsibility, and to think that I have done it without knowing- in other words, without someone's permission- countless times, eek! That is not good. However, f you think about the universe and the spirit and soul of people though, you can say that those people searched for it and needed it and who am I to deny them? And who is to say what I have been getting out of it- why am I attracting them to me? There is that pattern...

It leaves me so lonely, being able to see inside a person and see the hurt and where it needs to go. I can feel what people are feeling- I am like a raw open nerve or a barometer. I can show someone the way and show them their own light and beauty. All without effort at all. This is where I fear seeming like I am one big ego- I don' t mean to come off sounding like I am high and mighty and evolved, because whoa! I am not. I have a lot of growing to do still, and forever; and I realize it. I know where my faults are. However I have seen so many times the place it puts me, when I have been in a love relationship that was a hidden conduit for healing. So many times I have been hurt and drained from these kinds of connections. It is not good for me. I am often left feeling that the person is taking and not giving back, or so sad that they cannot see what I need too.

The saying goes, "healer, heal thyself" and indeed I try. Sometimes though, I would like the cool hand on my forehead; the soothing words that show the soul some light. This solace I can give to myself, and I can seek in some special friends I have; however I am loathe to burden them as well. I was very raw and open and painful the other day, partly from my Reiki II leaving me so incredibly open and jacked up- I have never felt such energy surges- and partly from the realization that being such a force can leave one very very alone. I have not been able to eloquently express what it is until now I think, because I did not know what it was that was causing people to become addicted to me and my energy until just recently. I did not even see the pattern until two years ago, after the blow up of a very tumultuous relationship that I still mourn because I finally met someone I could not heal and it opened my eyes to what I was doing inadvertently. That was my first step to removing myself from this path of destruction... it is not destructive to those that seek me, but it is ultimately destructive for me. And I cannot allow that to go on!

Someday I feel, I will find my equal. One who does not need to be healed, because he can do it on his own. One who recognizes the power in me and is not afraid, but sees familiarity and equality in it. I truly believe that people connect on deeper levels than what we can even see, and that when we enter into relationships our souls make an agreement as to what we will learn from one another; I am quite sure that I no longer need to learn what pain and suffering looks like in others who are too afraid to look inside and love what is there.

At first, a few days ago, when I came to the shocking realization of the truth of what it is I am, I lay there for hours with myself and a candle and tried to sort it out. I felt completely out of sorts and unhinged for a bit. Then I began to understand that I had healed part of myself that I did not want to recognize; I had denied forever that I have any sort of magic or such things, because I was afraid of being set apart and unable to connect with anyone- power is something that can leave a person very much alone. For this I denied for so long what I was doing.

Gradually as I lay there I began to calm and see that it does not mean I need to feel 'apart', but it does mean that I need to choose with care those that I let into my sphere, and how deep. There are plenty of people whose company I enjoy but instinctively know that they cannot come any deeper at the risk of my own mental safety... that's just how it is, to be sensitive. Even still I balk at this language because the common person, the normal American does not think about what it means to let people into their energy sphere; although it a way they do instinctually, if you look at how big the 'personal space' of the average person is.

Whew! This has been quite a brain stream, needing to come out for some time. These thoughts are not complete, I fear, nor eloquent in the way they will become when I am more comfortable with the idea... but I think the basics are thus:

I am a doorway, a conduit for change, chaos, growth and evolution.
I am a healer, and with each passing year, growing stronger and better at it.
I am a strong woman, and no longer afraid to be so.
I must be careful at whom I choose for love and partnership, for my own happiness and safety.
I must heal myself of the shock that I have pushed people into their own growth- without each of us knowing until it was done...

And so it is... is it truly good to be Queen?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Because I'm blonde, that's why!

So in order to haul around parts of my project, we needed a vehicle. A large one. So we thought, well, I guess we could rent a van... you know, to do it all at once rather than haul around what we need in several trips... cuz see, I'm the kind of girl that likes to do things efficiently, like carry all the groceries in at once.

Well no one was being creative! They'd sigh... well, I guess we have to pay all that money... meanwhile I'm watching countless university vehicles driving by, vans, trucks, you name it! And I thought, I want one! Dammit, I pay enough money to go here, I wanna drive one for one day!

So once I set my mind to it, I stopped every vehicle that passed me to get some ideas.

I decided to start from the bottom. Talk to the guys that drive these things everyday. Anyways, who doesn't like a nice sweet smile from a blonde girl? And a little dimple or two never hurts... hee hee...
So I talk to one of the grounds guys, and he was very helpful, sending me to the top guy... calling in advance to warm him up, warning him that a very nice girl needed his help...

Off I went to the office, to ask for what I needed. I think this is what it comes down to... lots of people just don't ask. That's all you gotta do sometimes, ask! And that's what I did!

Long story short... they not only granted me a truck for a day, but decided they had better wash and wax it too, you know, good PR... what could be better for the face of the university than a couple of healthy cute girls piling out of the truck on good research business, doing good for the community? Now you're thinking... it all depends on the spin, really.

It's so good to be blonde.

Cape Cod Potato Chips

I can't buy them anymore. I can't. Because when I do I will eat the entire bag. They are made of something that makes my brain turn off until I finish the whole thing. That wouldn't be a big deal except that they make my mouth totally raw... like the flesh peeling off the inside of my cheek... it's sick and I can't help it. Can't help it at all.
And I will go to the store and buy another bag...


I mean, I like other foods too, but not to this degree it seems. Mmmmmm. Sea salt chips. Mmmm... raw mouth... mmmmm....

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


I will be all the happier to escape, in a couple week's time, the ever present cloud that is Eeyore... living with him is draining me and I haven't much left to drain. I always feel that I have done something wrong, or hurtful somehow. Intellectually I know that is not the case, this person is simply enduring a lot of pain due to other sources right now- and certainly the dissolving of our relationship, though mutual, hurts as well. Even if it is less than real because we still share space, a bed, and food...

The problem here is that I am extremely empathic, and something of an emotional barometer. I developed this as a kid to stay safe from a volitile and explosive man. What worked then to keep me from harm's way now hurts me as an adult, because I always assume that the bad feelings are my fault and so therefore I need to get out of the way. This happens less and less these days because I recognize it, but still- when you live with someone that radiates grey and nothing but grey, you begin to wonder- what is wrong here? When nothing you do to cheer that person up or make life tolerable are even noticed... ahh, but I am tired, so tired of this grey energy. I have a wish for what to expect in a partner in the future, and though I don't need constant manic cheer, I do wish for some balance! No more broken birdies, no more Eeyore!

Sunday, May 21, 2006

everything changes...

I am procrastinating again, looking at the sun outside my window- it was raining earlier, this weather is a lot like how I feel these days. I'm listening to Incus, "Just One Thing" right now and it is a good summary...

I know that in one week, my entire life will be changing at a rapid pace- this summer is going to be entirely unlike anything else... I am looking forward to it but at the same time, something inside me is deeply sad because my relationship is over and will never be the same. This is a welcome change, a necessary change, but I would be a food to believe it wouldn't hurt on some level. And so here it is. I know I don't want the relationship I am in but regardless of that, it is a certain comfort and safety- what you know vs what you don't.

Along with this, there is the huntress rising inside me- I feel it in my solar plexus, this deep energy that rises when I am disengaged from a steady relationship. Wild, it is! Wild! I enjoy it but it is not a steady thing... and this is a reason I seek relationships, no? For the stability of keeping that tigress hidden, caged in my mind while I progress in a domestic partnership. This huntress... she's something else, and it is not an energy I have ever explored in depth. For one, it frightens men and I hate that- there is a lot of power in this spirit of mine, and that is completely at odds with the gentleness I have longed to cultivate since I was a child.

Something I have come to understand however is that such energy as this cannot be denied, and there is nothing safe or correct about chaining it and using relationships as a method to control a fiery energy that has no right to be doused... what would happen if I allowed it to just be? If I were completely and truly myself, what would happen? This is a question that began last summer in a vision... my own complete denial of my beauty and power. Ha! At 30 I am learning that these things cannot be buried without serious consequences. The harder I have tried to deny that and bury this energy, the fiercer I get- angry, restless, scared- you name it, the negative side comes up, because anything that is improperly channeled leaks...

What is exciting is that the doorway to summer and freedom is so close. The summer begins with my initiation- I am going to the next level in Reiki, defining and refining my use of energy. This training taps the emotional facet of energy, and my master told me that you begin to shed old useless emotional patterns even before the new level... I have seen that, with shedding my old comfort zones (this relationship, those old fears, that ignorant point of view... on and on). I will be opened further, my channels burned clean, and then sent off into a summer of work and discovery- so close to the ocean I can touch her whenever I need to which if I have my way will be every single day.

This is something that brings me deep hope and excitement, right to my bones. I will not be able to deny the pull of what the summer brings no matter what I might like to believe. I will be working hard to clear my channels, accept what comes and relax into acceptance of the change that is coming- coming into my own power further, accepting my role as a healer and a leader in my own right... because these are all things I foolishly denied for a long time in order to ensure that others could remain in their own safety zones around me. It is not that I feel I need to begin to be inconsiderate- far from it... I am not entirely sure of what it means yet, but it is certain to be something of a surprise, even for me.


Thursday, May 18, 2006

burn me pure

The harder I study, the fiercer the artist bangs inside my head to come out... suppressed, it dotes on ideas of melencholy and disaster... the compressed dancer in my bones is aching, longing, and all those things become misplaced if I begin to forget who I am and why I am here. Soon, so soon, the exams will end and I will let her out, my creative being- but right now I am feeling so much coiled energy it makes my teeth ache. I feel like a spring... and it is spring... there is so much sun outside my window, finally!!!

So much change is coming and I am powerless to organize it yet because I must study and stay sane all at once. So much change. Off I will go to research my summer away, in that seductive air of the cape- the ocean always calls to me, and I answer her when I am near; she brings to the surface my power and my desires. It is so much easier to bear now that I am older and recognize my potential. I am breathless waiting for when I can feel her airs, when I can bring fire to the shore and dance on the sand, when I can feel warmth on my skin, my feet in that cold Atlantic sea. There is so much more to this longing that I fear to let out- there is an element of danger to speak of it on line, but I will say it: I have wanted out of this relationship I am leaving for a long long time, but I stayed for fear that I was running away and now I am free, free to speak the truth... it was not what I wanted, and now I am cut loose. This too is something that makes me chafe, because I do not want to be swept away in the giddy joy that is this freedom. My heart waits for one who is worthy, and my body doesn't give a good goddam about that- so I must focus with all my will on my art and my dance and keep my body tired and busy so that the lure of the mysterious summer lover passes me by... like so much sand on a breeze.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Three more exams!!

Almost done... almost done... I can't stand it anymore but I'm almost done... I have to remind myself that this is all worth it, that this suffering and madness will culminate in something beautiful and worthwhile: doing what I love, every single day.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Coyote Magic of Spring

It happens every spring. As the sap moves through the trees, and the smell of earth becomes pervasive- deep and rich, intoxicating like incense... I feel my blood thinning with the heat and running through my veins, alive... awake... aware.
I feel I have been asleep since October, I feel I have been moving through molasses, feet in blocks of cement. Only now with the warmth of these days I am bright and alert, and here.
This is the time of Coyote magic. It is no mistake that April Fools is in the spring. Coyote is here, tickling my feet and my fancy, telling me to wake up and play. I feel fantastic and fine, young and free... and it is indeed time to play.
I am straining at the edges of this semester, waiting to shed more clothes and responsibilities and get down to the sweaty business of summer fun and flirting. There are people out there waiting to be known, flirted with, played with and discovered; this may sound at first sexual, but I merely wait for the joy of discovery as usual.
How often I have gotten in trouble, with this Coyote magic dancing on my lips! Riding in my dimple, in my teasing phrases, my sly glances to all people alike. If I like you, if I fancy you, if I think you are fun and fine and a good friend, I flirt... to me flirting is like exercise, something to be done regularly because it does a body good.
And so I honor Coyote, Coyote who has come to me in dreams, who dances in my soul every day, who pulses in my veins especially in spring, who brings to my lips these teases that all might laugh... and perhaps feel a little passion in their blood, because to live is to love is to feel is to find yourself longing for the pleasure of life in the fullest.
Coyote... coyote... come and play, I am ready... ready for the summer, you old flirt, ready to set your mischief alight into the summer air.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Oh, the single life for me...

It's a little like trying on a shiny new dress. Or haircut. With all I've learned and how much I've grown in the past few years, because of the relationship I was in or despite it, it will be fun and interesting to try out the shiny new world as a single girl with all the knowledge and outlook I have now.
See, I haven't been truly single and free in a long time. The last time I was single, I wasn't sure I should be. I missed him. I wanted to reconcile. I wasn't ready. I felt adrift, lost, lonely...
Now- well, now is different. A new season, a new year, a new haircut, a new if hard outlook.
I have changed a lot, as you will do when forced down the gaping maw that is vet school; having gone down there in a relationship as thick as fine blackstrap molasses, it will be something different to navigate it as a woman singulare.
Don't I deserve to see the world through eyes unfettered by the trappings of a relationship? My whole post-pubescent life has been one of strings of relationships, with hardly a pause for breath in between. Never a pause, not since I was sniffed out by the boys when I was 12! I would take a month or two and think, there, I've been single. Next?

Now though, as a woman grown, I wonder what I am like when I am left to my own devices. I don't want to date. I want to be sugar free, man free and care free for a time. I think it will be good for me! Imagine! Not a man in sight, and the air is clear.

The tricky bit is of course that I still live with the man I was dating. Tis a friendly agreement, and one of necessity; but come fall, I will be cut loose, and diving into the most sticky semester yet... and there will be no time to entangle myself, and I will be glad! Vet school is no place for a relationship. I will try that and see what becomes of me.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

No more sugar

Once again I am sugar free. I was this way for a number of years, but vet school stress had me sailing off the wagon like a parched fool in the desert drawn to an oasis. All the free cookies and candy... the sweet siren song of sugar, from all sides... the lure of free cheap energy... the sweet wonder of chocolate goodies, holidays laced with sweet powder, legal crack, kiddie crack...

It's so bad for me, so so bad. Years ago I was hooked and was jumping buggered nuts from the hypoglycemia it caused. I was a complete psycho to my boyfriends, to every situation in life until I was terrified I was certifiably mad or something.
WTF is wrong with me? I'd ask. I just didn't know.
Years later I read Protein Power, which was somewhat on the right track.
I still hit the kiddie crack on a regular basis, but backed it up with protein, thinking I was curing the problem. The crashes still came but they were gentler almost, slower and more predictable; but I still had inexplicable crying jags, bad judgement and bad feelings.

The bad feelings were the worst by far. When you have an emotion and you can't identify where it comes from, you want to label it just so you know you aren't completely bonkers. So often my boyfriends would take the blame (bastards!) Only they didn't know, as I didn't, that sugar is a completely evil poison that knocks out clear thinking and reason. The Twinkie Defense? Maybe there is more to that than we reckoned.

So years after the Protein Power, someone gave me a copy of Sugar Blues. This book saved my sanity. I had already recognized I had hypoglycemia, but hadn't a clue how to handle it. Oh well I thought, I will just have to recognize my crashes and deal with it for the rest of my life. Hey everyone, if I get 'hangry' (hungry + angry) just feed me some cheese, ok? Crappy!!! BUT, I read this book and realized it was a bunch of bunk. The gigantic corporate conglomerate that is our food industry was poisoning me and you on a daily basis, without even our permission. See if I'm wrong! Go for a stroll in the supermarket, and look at the normal things you eat. Ketchup? sugar. Mayo? sugar. Cereal, yogurt, table salt, dried fruit, juice, soups, tomato sauce, you name it and it has sugar.

I did it though. However at the time, I was living in a place that had a lot of access to 'alternative' food stores. There were lots and lots of 'sugar alternatives' that you could experiment. This was fun and handy, but what I ended up doing was trading white crack for the more natural kind, and lots of it. It wasn't any better even if it had a lower glycemic response curve and more fiber! It's still sugar, and I was still hooked.

That was before I fell off the wagon these last 2 years. I got sick last month with all sorts of ailments; UTIs, several in a row (a big clue!), flu which I never ever get, muscle aches, short attention span, crankiness... and on and on... but I wasn't ready yet! Not yet, I thought, as I devoured Christmas, then Valentines, then Easter candy, bag after bag. Please let me stop, I thought, as I just ate this crap because I felt that my life in school was so unhappy that chocolate was the only thing that would take the edge off.

Classic addict behaviour. Classic.
Then, all the sickness happened. This is two weeks ago! I went for a hike on a particularly nice day after feeling crappy for some time. I was sick, depressed, exhausted and unhappy.
In the woods I focused myself and wrote in my journal. I started to feel better, reminding myself who I am and all that I strove for the first time I kicked it. That I used to be a person that wanted a simpler life, something more (I hate this word) wholesome. Meaning, less refined, less processed, less stressed and rushed. Getting back to sugar free, yoga, meditation and art as ways to let off steam.

So it has been about a week and a half. I feel a lot better. My focus is clear, my body feels better, my skin looks better and I look less bloaty somehow. It takes a while to get past the cravings and that sneaky voice in your head that says (only a little... sssss... just a tassssste...) but once you clear it you're good. It was so easy for years to sail past the brightly colored seductive isle in Walgreens, filled with chocolatey holiday cheer! It will be once again, and I am nearly free.

This time I will not go heavy on 'alternative sugars' which still jack up the blood sugar. I will instead use more Stevia (goddamn government and Sugar industry keeping it from being a legit sweetener!!! more on that later). I am concious of eating whole grains, lots of veggies, less dairy and more whole foods in general.
I hope someday our society wakes up and realizes that they are being poisoned. It is in everything. It can't go on! It makes people so sick, and our society has to pay and pay for the resultant diseases... diabetes, obesity (why is everyone so surprised we have this problem? And that people can't control it? I'm not surprised) and so on. Even dementia, social issues, ADD! ADHD is sugar addiction out of control, I should know!
Can that shit, live healthy and long... fight the man! No more sugar!

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Donating my hair!

Today is the New Moon, an auspicious time for cutting away the old, the veils, and bringing in the new. I have been growing it out quite long for some time now, and I finally feel ready. I am donating to Locks of Love... those pics of cancer kids, really just kills me!
I threw a party this weekend, and when my lovely magical friends found out what I was doing they surrounded me and blessed the hair... any child who gets this hair gets all the fun magic and juju I have put into it over the years. This hair has been to countless fire circles, dancing, through the woods, to far places... My hope is that some of that is given to the child, to give her hope and confidence and healing. Aaaahhhh!!!
So today is the day. I go in half an hour... oooh, the butterflies. My long blonde hair is an essential part of my identity, something I am used to. Sweeping across my back as I dress in the morning, being part of my image and my fun... it will take some getting used to.
But hey! It's a renewable resource...

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Just call me cop charmer...

Been a while since I blogged. Since then I have definitely been pulled over several more times, and not once have I gotten a ticket... I don't want to ruin my luck, but seriously! I am a little proud. It all comes down to politeness, a little dimpling never hurts, and usually I have been speeding to get to the hospital... so telling them I am going to help a possibly dying horse never hurts...
I am shameless, I know it. When I have more time I will post here my adventures. Meanwhile a grueling exam awaits me tomorrow morn, and who am I to deny it?