Sat, Oct 13, 2007
I was running through the woods this morning, early, when the quality of light was still sharp and focused, lower on the horizon. There were patches of grass still touched with frost in the shadows; where the sun had glided in, the leaves were wet, warming up in the morning light. I tried to run lightly, bounding on the balls of my feet, dodging stones and roots.
Running away from my head, running away from the awesome weight of what is coming. What is passing. The amount of (bad? good?) luck I have had this year.
Recently I received an email from the place I fell in love with in VA, telling me they are not hiring this spring as they had thought. "You were the top of our list...but we can't this year, so sorry." I was crestfallen. Not because of the beauty of the place, but because I genuinely felt I would fit in and learn so much, in the kind of environment that would nurture me. I am sad.
I also had a relationship I thought was thriving fall before my eyes. As the leaves turned beyond my 32nd birthday, I was starting to feel that the magic that keeps my spirit so positive was flitting away. What more must I endure? I have needed, wanted, some good news for months... I mean how much can one person take, really?
Then I made the mistake of looking at my class rank, and discovered that while I might be in the cream of the crop, I am at the bottom of this particular cup of cream. That took some wind out of my sails. Now, I know that my grades aren't fantastic. That's always been ok with me; I wanted to maintain some sanity (aka social life) and chose to do so. So why should I be surprised? Still it comes as a blow, and I have been judging myself harshly as a result. It will never matter beyond applying for an internship- if I even do one. It really won't. Bedside manner will, and charisma... I may not have grades, but charisma I have, in plenty.
So I ran. I ran, my hands furiously cold, my nose running with the puff of breath hanging in the air. My eyes were watering from the chill. I bounced along the forest path relaxing with the sights of sun playing on orange, red and evergreen... then, I stepped through a break in an old stone wall along what turned out to be a faded and dead ended path.
I stopped when I reached a patch of brambles that prevented further travel. My mind still resembled something like an angry hive of bees, but I was not put off by this. Trailblazing is part of my nature. When I turned around, though, my entire body, mind and soul went very still. I was looking back at the stone wall, through a maze of small saplings gilded with fine spider webs and drops of melted frost. The entire woods were soaked in sunlight, shimmering off the webs and water, dazzling to look at. I held onto the sapling next to me, relaxed my entire body and let my eyes unfocus. Motes floated through the air, and there was even a moth and a dragonfly that flitted through. I felt such sublime joy to look at this, and thought- this is why I come here. This is what life is. It is for living beauty, for experiencing joy. It is not about competing, or drama, or bullshit. Life is for loving, living... and enjoying.
Why do I have such intense 'bad' luck? Because everything about me is so intense right now. I have forgotten my magic, the glamour that makes me who I am. So caught up in fear of not being good enough, I have forgotten that I am far more than good enough- I am fabulous, amazing, wild, magic and an expression of beauty. How could I forget? How could I be so cruel to my Self? How in the world could such treasure be so forgotten? So rarely do I go outside these days, it is easy to forget; to get caught up in the gossip and bullshit of the place I am forced to work in. I am not doing what I want right now, forced into an unnatural schedule that I despise, working with people I don't particularly enjoy. I am forced into a competitive atmosphere which has never worked for me. And all this has caused what is magic about me to take a back seat.
How on earth do I keep my magic alive? Truth be told, this is what would keep me 'competitive' even if grades don't. When I am feeling good, when I remember who I am (witch, fool, wise woman... ) I am unstoppable, because I simply believe that whatever happens is meant to be. I have such a hard time remembering this! I must, though... given what I have discovered, about grades and whatnot, I must remember my magic so that I can go where I NEED and WANT to go, no matter what I may look like on paper. I must manifest healing, manifest magic, manifest joy and wonder back into the fiber of my being. I'm tired of not being myself, of being what is called for. I love who I am when I am whole. I do not love this sad fragment, wandering pale as a ghost through the motions... it is a poor contrast.
It may be time to find some way to energetically call some positive magic and light into my life. Manifest! I know I can, I have done it before. It is time.