Sunday, November 15, 2009

Fire and Snow

Thu, February 22, 2007
I have too much to think about tonight. My heart. My studies. Too much.

It's snowing, gently, and not too cold. There is something incredibly magical about snowfall- the hush that comes, the special sound you only get when it's snowing in the dark. I needed to be out in it, playing. Not enough to ski in... but it's warm out, and I have been too long away from fire.

I walked out into the middle of the pond. It was so quiet there, the silence so deep. The surface had enough snow on it that I was not in danger of slipping. I lit and danced. Danced and danced... let the fire take my heart to the level I only reach when I have that incredible combination of movement and flame. The fire lit the snow flakes falling gently around me. My hat came off, and I could feel the flakes in my hair, on my face... I danced between flakes and felt no cold.

The silence there, that is what I needed. It is so hard to remain who I am and not crumple under the pressure of what I am doing. It is so hard to remain graceful and flexible, with all the people that I love, and remember to look at what I need to. The snow and the fire- that is what I needed tonight. I walked away from my desk, my computer and papers, all my knowledge to just be Jess. Just Jess.

I fill my life with beauty, in almost every moment. This is how I deal with hurt, sorrow, joy, pain, and even anger. If I can do it beautifully and efficiently I will. Tonight I dance, I dance out my heart's voice. I did it for me, only me; I did not invite anyone to watch or even safety me. Perhaps a little foolhardy- dancing with fire in the center of the frozen pond on a night above freezing. Ha! If I didn't live slightly on the edge I wouldn't be me. I love life. I love my life. I also accept the pain that it brings me, all of it. I take full responsibility for the pain that comes with what I have chosen. The giant burden that is school, and how little time it leaves me; how little of myself I get to express these days.

[As an aside... I am not fishing for consolation here, I just needed to write- there was too much grace in this night not to put it down. I'm fine, just overwhelmed; I don't get too much time to deal with emotions in school, and so I get beauty and love and grace where I can...]

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