Sunday, May 21, 2006

everything changes...

I am procrastinating again, looking at the sun outside my window- it was raining earlier, this weather is a lot like how I feel these days. I'm listening to Incus, "Just One Thing" right now and it is a good summary...

I know that in one week, my entire life will be changing at a rapid pace- this summer is going to be entirely unlike anything else... I am looking forward to it but at the same time, something inside me is deeply sad because my relationship is over and will never be the same. This is a welcome change, a necessary change, but I would be a food to believe it wouldn't hurt on some level. And so here it is. I know I don't want the relationship I am in but regardless of that, it is a certain comfort and safety- what you know vs what you don't.

Along with this, there is the huntress rising inside me- I feel it in my solar plexus, this deep energy that rises when I am disengaged from a steady relationship. Wild, it is! Wild! I enjoy it but it is not a steady thing... and this is a reason I seek relationships, no? For the stability of keeping that tigress hidden, caged in my mind while I progress in a domestic partnership. This huntress... she's something else, and it is not an energy I have ever explored in depth. For one, it frightens men and I hate that- there is a lot of power in this spirit of mine, and that is completely at odds with the gentleness I have longed to cultivate since I was a child.

Something I have come to understand however is that such energy as this cannot be denied, and there is nothing safe or correct about chaining it and using relationships as a method to control a fiery energy that has no right to be doused... what would happen if I allowed it to just be? If I were completely and truly myself, what would happen? This is a question that began last summer in a vision... my own complete denial of my beauty and power. Ha! At 30 I am learning that these things cannot be buried without serious consequences. The harder I have tried to deny that and bury this energy, the fiercer I get- angry, restless, scared- you name it, the negative side comes up, because anything that is improperly channeled leaks...

What is exciting is that the doorway to summer and freedom is so close. The summer begins with my initiation- I am going to the next level in Reiki, defining and refining my use of energy. This training taps the emotional facet of energy, and my master told me that you begin to shed old useless emotional patterns even before the new level... I have seen that, with shedding my old comfort zones (this relationship, those old fears, that ignorant point of view... on and on). I will be opened further, my channels burned clean, and then sent off into a summer of work and discovery- so close to the ocean I can touch her whenever I need to which if I have my way will be every single day.

This is something that brings me deep hope and excitement, right to my bones. I will not be able to deny the pull of what the summer brings no matter what I might like to believe. I will be working hard to clear my channels, accept what comes and relax into acceptance of the change that is coming- coming into my own power further, accepting my role as a healer and a leader in my own right... because these are all things I foolishly denied for a long time in order to ensure that others could remain in their own safety zones around me. It is not that I feel I need to begin to be inconsiderate- far from it... I am not entirely sure of what it means yet, but it is certain to be something of a surprise, even for me.


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