Wednesday, May 24, 2006


I will be all the happier to escape, in a couple week's time, the ever present cloud that is Eeyore... living with him is draining me and I haven't much left to drain. I always feel that I have done something wrong, or hurtful somehow. Intellectually I know that is not the case, this person is simply enduring a lot of pain due to other sources right now- and certainly the dissolving of our relationship, though mutual, hurts as well. Even if it is less than real because we still share space, a bed, and food...

The problem here is that I am extremely empathic, and something of an emotional barometer. I developed this as a kid to stay safe from a volitile and explosive man. What worked then to keep me from harm's way now hurts me as an adult, because I always assume that the bad feelings are my fault and so therefore I need to get out of the way. This happens less and less these days because I recognize it, but still- when you live with someone that radiates grey and nothing but grey, you begin to wonder- what is wrong here? When nothing you do to cheer that person up or make life tolerable are even noticed... ahh, but I am tired, so tired of this grey energy. I have a wish for what to expect in a partner in the future, and though I don't need constant manic cheer, I do wish for some balance! No more broken birdies, no more Eeyore!

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