Thursday, May 18, 2006
burn me pure
The harder I study, the fiercer the artist bangs inside my head to come out... suppressed, it dotes on ideas of melencholy and disaster... the compressed dancer in my bones is aching, longing, and all those things become misplaced if I begin to forget who I am and why I am here. Soon, so soon, the exams will end and I will let her out, my creative being- but right now I am feeling so much coiled energy it makes my teeth ache. I feel like a spring... and it is spring... there is so much sun outside my window, finally!!!
So much change is coming and I am powerless to organize it yet because I must study and stay sane all at once. So much change. Off I will go to research my summer away, in that seductive air of the cape- the ocean always calls to me, and I answer her when I am near; she brings to the surface my power and my desires. It is so much easier to bear now that I am older and recognize my potential. I am breathless waiting for when I can feel her airs, when I can bring fire to the shore and dance on the sand, when I can feel warmth on my skin, my feet in that cold Atlantic sea. There is so much more to this longing that I fear to let out- there is an element of danger to speak of it on line, but I will say it: I have wanted out of this relationship I am leaving for a long long time, but I stayed for fear that I was running away and now I am free, free to speak the truth... it was not what I wanted, and now I am cut loose. This too is something that makes me chafe, because I do not want to be swept away in the giddy joy that is this freedom. My heart waits for one who is worthy, and my body doesn't give a good goddam about that- so I must focus with all my will on my art and my dance and keep my body tired and busy so that the lure of the mysterious summer lover passes me by... like so much sand on a breeze.