Queen of Chaos

Change. Open. Expand...

That is what happens if you hang around with me. I can say all this with assurity simply because it has happened so many times with so many people that I can't ignore it or deny it... basically, I hang out with people, their minds are opened, they morph... change...My friends used to call me the Queen of Chaos, because it seemed to follow me around like an eddy or wake of a boat. In my path would not be destruction, but change (which can look like destruction to some I suppose). I can't help it. This may sound like a bunch of new agey weird stuff, but I have an effect on people that changes them. I don't know how to explain it without coming off as strange or like I have a big ego or something. I want to try. I need to express it so I can better understand it.

I am a doorway. A conduit...

So many of my relationships with men have been with people that were closed down and needed to be opened. This used to cause me a lot of pain because I didn't understand what was going on- why is it every time I get together with a guy, he blasts open, gets addicted to me, and I feel unfulfilled because I have nothing to learn? It distresses me because it means I attract people who need a doorway opened for them; and so often it will leave me in an awkward position because that is not a balanced relationship (because unfortunately, it's so strong it's often mistaken for love or a love relationship- in which the two people are not equal).

I have been stalked 5 times, and dealt with intense emotional attachments that I could not return... all the while thinking, why? I'm just me, I'm not a supermodel or intensely brilliant or anything... why does this happen? What the hell is going on?

A few nights ago it hit me like a ton of bricks. Solid and all of a sudden. Even the responsibility of what I have been unknowingly doing hit me all at once. I touch people- mentally or physically, doesn't matter- and they respond in a deeper way. Some people become frightened and find me too intense (something that also used to cause me a great amount of pain!) and then run away. Others find it exhilerating, and want to have it, be it, own it; that is something that has never settled well with me.

I am a healer, and people are attracted to me for exactly that; for my energy, my vitality, my wholeness and happiness. I have dated a lot of very very sad people, deeply sad, because they feel something is missing from their lives; what they don't realize is that it wasn't me they were missing, but themselves... their own SELF... and I put them there, in touch with it, and they mistakenly think that it was me all along. I heal without even noticing I do it. It is that strong. But it leaves me so sad too, because I feel like I cannot attract the sort of person that is not sad and not 'needing' me. I felt pretty desolate- as in, aren't there any other people like me out there, who know how to recognize their own sadness and patterns and heal themselves? Why do I keep dating sad people who I fall out of love with as they fall deeper for me, because I cannot sustain enough happiness and energy for two?

Now, I don't mind healing a person who needs it. Healing is a great responsibility, and to think that I have done it without knowing- in other words, without someone's permission- countless times, eek! That is not good. However, f you think about the universe and the spirit and soul of people though, you can say that those people searched for it and needed it and who am I to deny them? And who is to say what I have been getting out of it- why am I attracting them to me? There is that pattern...

It leaves me so lonely, being able to see inside a person and see the hurt and where it needs to go. I can feel what people are feeling- I am like a raw open nerve or a barometer. I can show someone the way and show them their own light and beauty. All without effort at all. This is where I fear seeming like I am one big ego- I don' t mean to come off sounding like I am high and mighty and evolved, because whoa! I am not. I have a lot of growing to do still, and forever; and I realize it. I know where my faults are. However I have seen so many times the place it puts me, when I have been in a love relationship that was a hidden conduit for healing. So many times I have been hurt and drained from these kinds of connections. It is not good for me. I am often left feeling that the person is taking and not giving back, or so sad that they cannot see what I need too.

The saying goes, "healer, heal thyself" and indeed I try. Sometimes though, I would like the cool hand on my forehead; the soothing words that show the soul some light. This solace I can give to myself, and I can seek in some special friends I have; however I am loathe to burden them as well. I was very raw and open and painful the other day, partly from my Reiki II leaving me so incredibly open and jacked up- I have never felt such energy surges- and partly from the realization that being such a force can leave one very very alone. I have not been able to eloquently express what it is until now I think, because I did not know what it was that was causing people to become addicted to me and my energy until just recently. I did not even see the pattern until two years ago, after the blow up of a very tumultuous relationship that I still mourn because I finally met someone I could not heal and it opened my eyes to what I was doing inadvertently. That was my first step to removing myself from this path of destruction... it is not destructive to those that seek me, but it is ultimately destructive for me. And I cannot allow that to go on!

Someday I feel, I will find my equal. One who does not need to be healed, because he can do it on his own. One who recognizes the power in me and is not afraid, but sees familiarity and equality in it. I truly believe that people connect on deeper levels than what we can even see, and that when we enter into relationships our souls make an agreement as to what we will learn from one another; I am quite sure that I no longer need to learn what pain and suffering looks like in others who are too afraid to look inside and love what is there.

At first, a few days ago, when I came to the shocking realization of the truth of what it is I am, I lay there for hours with myself and a candle and tried to sort it out. I felt completely out of sorts and unhinged for a bit. Then I began to understand that I had healed part of myself that I did not want to recognize; I had denied forever that I have any sort of magic or such things, because I was afraid of being set apart and unable to connect with anyone- power is something that can leave a person very much alone. For this I denied for so long what I was doing.

Gradually as I lay there I began to calm and see that it does not mean I need to feel 'apart', but it does mean that I need to choose with care those that I let into my sphere, and how deep. There are plenty of people whose company I enjoy but instinctively know that they cannot come any deeper at the risk of my own mental safety... that's just how it is, to be sensitive. Even still I balk at this language because the common person, the normal American does not think about what it means to let people into their energy sphere; although it a way they do instinctually, if you look at how big the 'personal space' of the average person is.

Whew! This has been quite a brain stream, needing to come out for some time. These thoughts are not complete, I fear, nor eloquent in the way they will become when I am more comfortable with the idea... but I think the basics are thus:

I am a doorway, a conduit for change, chaos, growth and evolution.
I am a healer, and with each passing year, growing stronger and better at it.
I am a strong woman, and no longer afraid to be so.
I must be careful at whom I choose for love and partnership, for my own happiness and safety.
I must heal myself of the shock that I have pushed people into their own growth- without each of us knowing until it was done...

And so it is... is it truly good to be Queen?

Because I'm blonde, that's why!

So in order to haul around parts of my project, we needed a vehicle. A large one. So we thought, well, I guess we could rent a van... you know, to do it all at once rather than haul around what we need in several trips... cuz see, I'm the kind of girl that likes to do things efficiently, like carry all the groceries in at once.

Well no one was being creative! They'd sigh... well, I guess we have to pay all that money... meanwhile I'm watching countless university vehicles driving by, vans, trucks, you name it! And I thought, I want one! Dammit, I pay enough money to go here, I wanna drive one for one day!

So once I set my mind to it, I stopped every vehicle that passed me to get some ideas.

I decided to start from the bottom. Talk to the guys that drive these things everyday. Anyways, who doesn't like a nice sweet smile from a blonde girl? And a little dimple or two never hurts... hee hee...
So I talk to one of the grounds guys, and he was very helpful, sending me to the top guy... calling in advance to warm him up, warning him that a very nice girl needed his help...

Off I went to the office, to ask for what I needed. I think this is what it comes down to... lots of people just don't ask. That's all you gotta do sometimes, ask! And that's what I did!

Long story short... they not only granted me a truck for a day, but decided they had better wash and wax it too, you know, good PR... what could be better for the face of the university than a couple of healthy cute girls piling out of the truck on good research business, doing good for the community? Now you're thinking... it all depends on the spin, really.

It's so good to be blonde.

Cape Cod Potato Chips

I can't buy them anymore. I can't. Because when I do I will eat the entire bag. They are made of something that makes my brain turn off until I finish the whole thing. That wouldn't be a big deal except that they make my mouth totally raw... like the flesh peeling off the inside of my cheek... it's sick and I can't help it. Can't help it at all.
And I will go to the store and buy another bag...

BECAUSE DAMMIT, THEY ARE SOOOOO TASTY!!!

I mean, I like other foods too, but not to this degree it seems. Mmmmmm. Sea salt chips. Mmmm... raw mouth... mmmmm....

Eeyore

I will be all the happier to escape, in a couple week's time, the ever present cloud that is Eeyore... living with him is draining me and I haven't much left to drain. I always feel that I have done something wrong, or hurtful somehow. Intellectually I know that is not the case, this person is simply enduring a lot of pain due to other sources right now- and certainly the dissolving of our relationship, though mutual, hurts as well. Even if it is less than real because we still share space, a bed, and food...

The problem here is that I am extremely empathic, and something of an emotional barometer. I developed this as a kid to stay safe from a volitile and explosive man. What worked then to keep me from harm's way now hurts me as an adult, because I always assume that the bad feelings are my fault and so therefore I need to get out of the way. This happens less and less these days because I recognize it, but still- when you live with someone that radiates grey and nothing but grey, you begin to wonder- what is wrong here? When nothing you do to cheer that person up or make life tolerable are even noticed... ahh, but I am tired, so tired of this grey energy. I have a wish for what to expect in a partner in the future, and though I don't need constant manic cheer, I do wish for some balance! No more broken birdies, no more Eeyore!

everything changes...

I am procrastinating again, looking at the sun outside my window- it was raining earlier, this weather is a lot like how I feel these days. I'm listening to Incus, "Just One Thing" right now and it is a good summary...

I know that in one week, my entire life will be changing at a rapid pace- this summer is going to be entirely unlike anything else... I am looking forward to it but at the same time, something inside me is deeply sad because my relationship is over and will never be the same. This is a welcome change, a necessary change, but I would be a food to believe it wouldn't hurt on some level. And so here it is. I know I don't want the relationship I am in but regardless of that, it is a certain comfort and safety- what you know vs what you don't.

Along with this, there is the huntress rising inside me- I feel it in my solar plexus, this deep energy that rises when I am disengaged from a steady relationship. Wild, it is! Wild! I enjoy it but it is not a steady thing... and this is a reason I seek relationships, no? For the stability of keeping that tigress hidden, caged in my mind while I progress in a domestic partnership. This huntress... she's something else, and it is not an energy I have ever explored in depth. For one, it frightens men and I hate that- there is a lot of power in this spirit of mine, and that is completely at odds with the gentleness I have longed to cultivate since I was a child.

Something I have come to understand however is that such energy as this cannot be denied, and there is nothing safe or correct about chaining it and using relationships as a method to control a fiery energy that has no right to be doused... what would happen if I allowed it to just be? If I were completely and truly myself, what would happen? This is a question that began last summer in a vision... my own complete denial of my beauty and power. Ha! At 30 I am learning that these things cannot be buried without serious consequences. The harder I have tried to deny that and bury this energy, the fiercer I get- angry, restless, scared- you name it, the negative side comes up, because anything that is improperly channeled leaks...

What is exciting is that the doorway to summer and freedom is so close. The summer begins with my initiation- I am going to the next level in Reiki, defining and refining my use of energy. This training taps the emotional facet of energy, and my master told me that you begin to shed old useless emotional patterns even before the new level... I have seen that, with shedding my old comfort zones (this relationship, those old fears, that ignorant point of view... on and on). I will be opened further, my channels burned clean, and then sent off into a summer of work and discovery- so close to the ocean I can touch her whenever I need to which if I have my way will be every single day.

This is something that brings me deep hope and excitement, right to my bones. I will not be able to deny the pull of what the summer brings no matter what I might like to believe. I will be working hard to clear my channels, accept what comes and relax into acceptance of the change that is coming- coming into my own power further, accepting my role as a healer and a leader in my own right... because these are all things I foolishly denied for a long time in order to ensure that others could remain in their own safety zones around me. It is not that I feel I need to begin to be inconsiderate- far from it... I am not entirely sure of what it means yet, but it is certain to be something of a surprise, even for me.

ahhhh!

burn me pure

The harder I study, the fiercer the artist bangs inside my head to come out... suppressed, it dotes on ideas of melencholy and disaster... the compressed dancer in my bones is aching, longing, and all those things become misplaced if I begin to forget who I am and why I am here. Soon, so soon, the exams will end and I will let her out, my creative being- but right now I am feeling so much coiled energy it makes my teeth ache. I feel like a spring... and it is spring... there is so much sun outside my window, finally!!!

So much change is coming and I am powerless to organize it yet because I must study and stay sane all at once. So much change. Off I will go to research my summer away, in that seductive air of the cape- the ocean always calls to me, and I answer her when I am near; she brings to the surface my power and my desires. It is so much easier to bear now that I am older and recognize my potential. I am breathless waiting for when I can feel her airs, when I can bring fire to the shore and dance on the sand, when I can feel warmth on my skin, my feet in that cold Atlantic sea. There is so much more to this longing that I fear to let out- there is an element of danger to speak of it on line, but I will say it: I have wanted out of this relationship I am leaving for a long long time, but I stayed for fear that I was running away and now I am free, free to speak the truth... it was not what I wanted, and now I am cut loose. This too is something that makes me chafe, because I do not want to be swept away in the giddy joy that is this freedom. My heart waits for one who is worthy, and my body doesn't give a good goddam about that- so I must focus with all my will on my art and my dance and keep my body tired and busy so that the lure of the mysterious summer lover passes me by... like so much sand on a breeze.

Three more exams!!

Almost done... almost done... I can't stand it anymore but I'm almost done... I have to remind myself that this is all worth it, that this suffering and madness will culminate in something beautiful and worthwhile: doing what I love, every single day.