Monday, January 23, 2012

Daughter of the Ocean

My mind silent, my voice silent, I walked onto the crowded beach and headed towards the spit at the end of the protected bay.  I saw none of the people there- fat babies rolling in the waves, people slathered in oils soaking up sun, eating sandwiches under umbrellas.  Time existed in another place as I walked, one foot after the other, half in and half out of the tideline.  There was a song in my heart and it was calling me  to where the sand ended in the water, and that was the only thing that I knew.

Heedless of wind in my hair and sand on my feet... heedless of people, gulls, nothing except the ocean.  She lay to the left of me, she lay before me.  Still I walked.

I came to the place where the sand ended in a point.  There was magic in this place, where two currents came together to cross one another in endless diamond patterns.  It was shallow there, and went out for a long, long way- or so it seemed.  I did not stop my pace when I hit the water, a thing possessed, a creature called.  The sea, she was calling to me.  The mother.  The ocean.  The song welled up in my heart and began to spill over into my entire body until I could not distinguish where I ended and the sea began.  She was not cold, not to me; this northern sea.  I walked.  It felt like walking on water, these shallows; and mesmerized by the diamonds I was surprised when I finally reached the breakwater.  Crests of foam washed over my thighs, and still I did not stop.  The sea was calling me.

My long hair tangled over my back, whipped in the sun by the wind.  A pressure was rising in my heart, in my body.  Welling up in my belly, this feeling like intense love, like a fierce scream, like the pleasure of fear just before the roller coaster drops.  I could not stop, I was compelled.  Welling up like tears, welling up like orgasm.  The sea rose in pace with this feeling, over my thighs, to the tender place my legs met.  The shock of it did not register because she was claiming me.  Had I tossed a look over my shoulder I would have seen that the magic of this place had taken me already; I was never seen by those that lay on the sand.  I was but a tangle of wind and sand; a bit of seafoam on the breeze.

The water came up to my solar plexus and what was welling began to crest.  If I could shake I would have been shaking then.  The sea was taking my body but I did not yet understand; the deep emotion that came forth rose and rose and rose until it was as a scream in my throat.  By then the water covered my heart and I suddenly realized there was no fear.  I began to feel sensual touches about my feet and legs; fish?  Seaweed?  I did not look because I was compelled forward and my entire being was enraptured by the salt water about my body.

Then the feeling crested, and I made as if to scream or laugh or cry- a wave came then and claimed me, the rest of the way.  The outcry was taken by the water.  I was filled with it, as I began to laugh, ripples and tidal waves of joy and fear and the incredible sensation of an entire body orgasm (for that is the only word I can give it) washing over me.  My hair floated about me.  The sensation of pleasure was mingled immediately by waves of pain.  True pain, pain down to the bone- I was compelled, yes, but now that I was under the water I was part of her, part of what was claiming me and I began to see what the song was.  I curled into a ball in the water, reaching down to my legs, my feet with my hands, to soothe the pain, the pain... As I looked, I saw what was beginning.  What I was compelled for.  I was changing.  Oh, the pain, the pleasure, I could not untangle them, exquisite it was.  Oh!  My legs bound together, despite my kicking.  Scales.  Fins.  Not just fins, no.  If I could cry I would have but tears in the ocean matter to no one.  She had me, I was within.  I closed my eyes and clutched my changing body and rode the pain as I finished.  Hours, days, minutes, who can say?

Finally it subsided and I began to realize that the water felt as silk against my body.  I opened my eyes and realized I could see with startling clarity.  I was not lacking for breath; felt, on my neck, delicate silken gills.  My hair streamed around me like a veil.  My legs- no... no more.  In their place was a beautiful, sinuous scaled tail, gold-orange scales and sinuous long fins that moved like long streamers in the water.  I began to move and felt the power in these fins.  I could move with incredible grace and such little effort, a dance as I could only dream of on land.  Land... forgotten.  Had I ever left this place?  Was I born here, or made?  I could no longer remember, moving in curlicues and spirals in the water, feeling the utter pleasure of my hair and fins moving about me, about the water.  The deliciousness of just existing, of moving, of flowing through... life in complete ecstatic flowing sensuality, glowing in the dim green light, darting among the life I found everywhere I looked.

I began to hear the song, then.  The song was not through with me.  It seemed to float through the water, calling to me.  I tested my strong tail, my fins, and found the ease with which I could move.  I flowed along the coastline, sensing rocks before I could hear the water battering against them.  I marveled at the colors, rippling as the sun went in and out of clouds, filtering through the surface of foam and wave, life flowing among life.  Still the song called.

Out I went, and in.  Towards rocks along an island, on the oceanward side away from the mainland.  The song, the song... weaving in and out of giant kelp gardens, reflecting off rocks and even remains of ships I found.  I began to understand, as I swam strong and sure towards it.  Siren... sirens... siren song... I am... I am... I am.

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