The trees are all naked, except for the stubborn oaks who hold onto their oxblood leaves until nearly spring. There are a few saplings who mysteriously held onto now fading green leaves all this time, as if no one told them the natural progression of things.
Mostly, though, the Wood is all naked trunks and limbs, and you can see so much further in than even a month ago. Things lay open and revealed, like that cottage that you didn't notice sitting now in plain view, the veil of green removed and only tender branches holding the secrets summer left behind. This is the time to look at the trees, to really see them, to really pull in the twisted trunks, the amazing straight serenity rising so high into the sky. Though it's more challenging in winter to name them when they no longer wear their leaves, it is also easier to see the silhouettes they show, the amazing textures of bark, the patterns of branches and their way of rising up from the ground.
Everyone looks so naked without a mantle of snow! I am waiting for the snow, as they are; to soften hard edges, to cover the ground and make certain what is only tentative in this time of year- that yes, it is winter, or very nearly so. Snow I love, snow which somehow makes all warmer and more welcoming, makes winter easier to bear and easier to love. I, like the Wood, am waiting.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Reiki
I doubted whether or not Reiki was real, true, or worked in any sense. Although the concept of magic always made sense to me- manipulation of energy, matter is made of energy, therefore manipulation of energy is manipulation of matter and vice versa- Reiki had me doubting.
Why? I don't know. Even though it's an art that is ancient, and practiced by many, what I was seeing was a lot of soft New Agey types touting the powers of this energetic healing and it made me feel cynical. I'm not your typical Neo Witch; I don't buy everything hook, line and sinker. I like to question and feel for myself what something can do.
When I did choose to become attuned to Reiki I, I did it on a whim, figuring- it can't hurt. It was free, at a festival, and there were 13 of us in a room, with an intense dude who is a Reiki Master, tattooist and uses both in Body Modification parties which apparently transform the hell out of any and all who participate. I still didn't really believe. We talked about energy, played with it, and then one by one sat in a chair and were attuned by the Master, at one end of the room. I made sure I was 7th in line (being my favorite number). All who sat before me came back buzzing, high, and wild looking. Each person who returned was full of energy and passed it along; playing with energy balls with others who had been attuned, or sending shivers and shocks through the rest of it.
It was my turn, finally. I was still figuring that I'd sit there and feel nothing. He started tracing symbols about my head and back, whispering things to himself, all part of the opening of channels. All of a sudden my teeth started chattering. I felt as if I'd been plugged into the wall socket. I had no control over the chattering of my jaw, and didn't bother to stop it. My whole body tensed and relaxed in cycles. It was absolutely bizarre. When he was done I felt energy flowing from my toes up through the top of my head and back down. I joined the group on the floor and felt the subtelty of energy currents flowing from one person to another. It was amazing, intense, and absolutely unbelievable- only, I finally did believe.
The concept of Reiki or the use of it is not new to me. I have apparently been using it since I was a pre teen, I just didn't have a word for it. In college I used to somehow be able to take away people's headaches, by concentrating and imagining a flow of liquid light going through the person's body and pushing before it the "soot" of pain, right out the crown of the head. By the time I did this attunement, I'd been using Reiki reguarly for 15 years. I just had no idea.
This attunement opened me up wide. We were told we would experience intense changes, emotionally and otherwise, and healing of ourselves. He was indeed right. My life went topsy-turvy (this also coincided with my Saturn return, but intensified it.) All was absolute chaos for a while. It was exhilerating, and absolutely what I needed.
Some time later, a friend came to a party quite upset. She and her boyfriend had a harrowing experience with some cops, who were being excessive with them over speeding or some such inoffensive offense. She was extremely shaken and unable to relax and enjoy the party. I took her to a corner and helped her ground, with a grounding exercise I learned many years before. My whole body heated up as I lead her through the grounding, with my hands on her knees as we sat cross legged in front of each other on the floor. When it was through she was crying, and asked how long I'd been a Master. I told her I was only Level I and she did not believe me, being a Master herself (I did not know that at the time.) She then brought me up to Level II a short time after that, saying that I already had an intensity of energy and it would be safer to have the channels properly aligned to cut out some of the chaos I was experiencing.
Reiki II brings further changes, of heart and emotion. That was indeed true. So many changes, yet again! Yet I did not feel it had opened the channels all the way. A couple of years later, another friend and Master offered to re-do my Level II while we were staying in an amazing forest in Georgia. At the time I was recovering from the brutal veterinary training I went through for 4 years, and felt an emotional train wreck. I agreed.
In a beautiful ritual involving a labyrinth with an amazing old tree in the middle, I had myself attuned to Reiki II once more. This time it once again felt right, and real. Not the same intense buzzing as the first opening, but more of a feeling of being washed in a warm river. For the rest of the day everything was more intense yet more detached- colors, sounds and smells. I felt languid and right.
Since then, when I do perform Reiki it is a lot easier, and my hands and body heat up intensely. More than once I have been asked how long I've been a Master. Eventually I shall open all the way to Master Level. The odd thing is that the symbols one uses have eluded me. I cannot seem to remember them. It doesn't seem to matter at all. Some interesting things have happened which lead me to wonder if I am already open all the way.
My partner had too much to drink the night before. He woke up feeling as if an elephant had sat on his head, and felt like his whole body was poisoned. I offered to perform Reiki on him to see if it would soothe him. He agreed, and I began; my hands got fiery hot (this does not happen every time) as I placed them on his belly. After 5 minutes, he leaped up and ran to the bathroom to throw up. This made him feel pretty terrible for a time; after that, however, he felt amazing. He went on with his day as if nothing had happened.
I work with animals every day. Reiki comes even when I do not call it. Animals seek it out, ask for it, in subtle ways I'm not always keyed into. I allow it when I know about it, and offer it to those severely infirm, scared, or prior (and during) euthanasia. I find it smooths the way for those who are dying. Horses especially are Reiki sponges.
Is Reiki real or not? Well, my experiences seem to say yes. Ask me in person and you'll see.
Why? I don't know. Even though it's an art that is ancient, and practiced by many, what I was seeing was a lot of soft New Agey types touting the powers of this energetic healing and it made me feel cynical. I'm not your typical Neo Witch; I don't buy everything hook, line and sinker. I like to question and feel for myself what something can do.
When I did choose to become attuned to Reiki I, I did it on a whim, figuring- it can't hurt. It was free, at a festival, and there were 13 of us in a room, with an intense dude who is a Reiki Master, tattooist and uses both in Body Modification parties which apparently transform the hell out of any and all who participate. I still didn't really believe. We talked about energy, played with it, and then one by one sat in a chair and were attuned by the Master, at one end of the room. I made sure I was 7th in line (being my favorite number). All who sat before me came back buzzing, high, and wild looking. Each person who returned was full of energy and passed it along; playing with energy balls with others who had been attuned, or sending shivers and shocks through the rest of it.
It was my turn, finally. I was still figuring that I'd sit there and feel nothing. He started tracing symbols about my head and back, whispering things to himself, all part of the opening of channels. All of a sudden my teeth started chattering. I felt as if I'd been plugged into the wall socket. I had no control over the chattering of my jaw, and didn't bother to stop it. My whole body tensed and relaxed in cycles. It was absolutely bizarre. When he was done I felt energy flowing from my toes up through the top of my head and back down. I joined the group on the floor and felt the subtelty of energy currents flowing from one person to another. It was amazing, intense, and absolutely unbelievable- only, I finally did believe.
The concept of Reiki or the use of it is not new to me. I have apparently been using it since I was a pre teen, I just didn't have a word for it. In college I used to somehow be able to take away people's headaches, by concentrating and imagining a flow of liquid light going through the person's body and pushing before it the "soot" of pain, right out the crown of the head. By the time I did this attunement, I'd been using Reiki reguarly for 15 years. I just had no idea.
This attunement opened me up wide. We were told we would experience intense changes, emotionally and otherwise, and healing of ourselves. He was indeed right. My life went topsy-turvy (this also coincided with my Saturn return, but intensified it.) All was absolute chaos for a while. It was exhilerating, and absolutely what I needed.
Some time later, a friend came to a party quite upset. She and her boyfriend had a harrowing experience with some cops, who were being excessive with them over speeding or some such inoffensive offense. She was extremely shaken and unable to relax and enjoy the party. I took her to a corner and helped her ground, with a grounding exercise I learned many years before. My whole body heated up as I lead her through the grounding, with my hands on her knees as we sat cross legged in front of each other on the floor. When it was through she was crying, and asked how long I'd been a Master. I told her I was only Level I and she did not believe me, being a Master herself (I did not know that at the time.) She then brought me up to Level II a short time after that, saying that I already had an intensity of energy and it would be safer to have the channels properly aligned to cut out some of the chaos I was experiencing.
Reiki II brings further changes, of heart and emotion. That was indeed true. So many changes, yet again! Yet I did not feel it had opened the channels all the way. A couple of years later, another friend and Master offered to re-do my Level II while we were staying in an amazing forest in Georgia. At the time I was recovering from the brutal veterinary training I went through for 4 years, and felt an emotional train wreck. I agreed.
In a beautiful ritual involving a labyrinth with an amazing old tree in the middle, I had myself attuned to Reiki II once more. This time it once again felt right, and real. Not the same intense buzzing as the first opening, but more of a feeling of being washed in a warm river. For the rest of the day everything was more intense yet more detached- colors, sounds and smells. I felt languid and right.
Since then, when I do perform Reiki it is a lot easier, and my hands and body heat up intensely. More than once I have been asked how long I've been a Master. Eventually I shall open all the way to Master Level. The odd thing is that the symbols one uses have eluded me. I cannot seem to remember them. It doesn't seem to matter at all. Some interesting things have happened which lead me to wonder if I am already open all the way.
My partner had too much to drink the night before. He woke up feeling as if an elephant had sat on his head, and felt like his whole body was poisoned. I offered to perform Reiki on him to see if it would soothe him. He agreed, and I began; my hands got fiery hot (this does not happen every time) as I placed them on his belly. After 5 minutes, he leaped up and ran to the bathroom to throw up. This made him feel pretty terrible for a time; after that, however, he felt amazing. He went on with his day as if nothing had happened.
I work with animals every day. Reiki comes even when I do not call it. Animals seek it out, ask for it, in subtle ways I'm not always keyed into. I allow it when I know about it, and offer it to those severely infirm, scared, or prior (and during) euthanasia. I find it smooths the way for those who are dying. Horses especially are Reiki sponges.
Is Reiki real or not? Well, my experiences seem to say yes. Ask me in person and you'll see.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Magic and the power of thought
Ever since I first studied about witchcraft, Wicca and the art of magic, I've known and understood the power of thought. I understand that not just witches study this but neuroscientists, buddhists, hypnotists, and lots of other people from as many cultures and countries as there are in the world. There are lots of tales of folks who got better by positive thinking; placebo effect; not to mention ESP and other "paranormal" activity or studies.
First hand though, now that's another story. It's downright weird, and although I've always known to "be careful what you wish for" or "the Rule of Three" in magic, having it reliably happen with even casual thought is a bit disconcerting. As you will... so mote it be. Ha! Well, coincidence may be random or it may not. I believe there was some book everyone was obsessed about 15 years ago that addressed coincidence as not random at all? Anyway, it just so happens that more often than not, when I think something it manifests. It can be downright annoying; like thinking of one of my clients or patients, and within that day or the next, they will need me for something (often an emergency!) It's gotten so that I try very very hard to NOT think of my clients or my patients, because I don't want to wish them ill. If I find myself thinking on them, I start sending positive Reiki just to cover them! Or how about knowing that putting my comfy sweats on at night will invariably lead me to getting called for an emergency? Every single time. So I sit in my work clothes until 10 pm just to be sure.
It can be greatly beneficial, such as when I decide I need an apartment or a car, and almost immediately things line up and work out. My friends say, "you have the most amazing good luck!" I say, good? Bad? If you read back far enough you will see I lost my home and pets to a very bad fire. Nothing happens small in my life, it all goes big. Real big.
Magic is energy. Reiki is energy. People, things, sounds, thoughts are all energy. It makes sense to me, then, that if all things are made of energy (atoms, particles, whatever) and magic is the manipulation or bending of energy in a certain direction or way, that it can greatly affect other beings made of energy. It's never been a hard concept for me to accept. Even as a doctor, I see and feel the benefits of Reiki as I work. The animals are energy, and exquisitely sensitive to boot; they get it, they like it, no problem.
Using magic to manifest something one needs is not only possible, but in fact so effective you need to be absolutely certain it's what you TRULY need or want, and that it will in fact HARM NONE as a result. At least this is my reality, as what I manifest does come about, and I have to be clear and concise.
One thing I never understood when I was younger is that magic and manifestation can take time. Yes, things can happen quickly. That can depend on need, too! Things can also take a looooong time. I started wishing for a partner, a good, loving, partner that was suited for me... careful wishing, there... in May of 2007, shortly after the fire; it took me until October of 2008 to meet him, and spring of 2009 to start dating him. I put a lot of heavy, specific PLUS vague magic into it, with a lot of care and a lot of patience... and it paid off. I simply was not ready until 2009. Turns out, neither was he, and it takes two to tango!
What do I mean by specific plus vague? How can one be clear and vague all at once? Well, I find that if you put too many specifics on the universe, it becomes a task impossible to fill. I clearly wanted a partner who was creative, kind, loves animals, loves easily without smothering, manly without being aggressive, oh and tall would be nice... that's specific. To keep it vague I said, but I mostly want the man who is best suited to ME. The one I can appreciate, adore, and admire. I skipped out on looks, nationality, even religion. None of that could matter! Several rituals and a couple of years, and here I am with a man I love to love.
Being vague in a specific way helps the universe to help you fill what you need. For example, you have to be specific on the things that matter, but vague on the things you can be flexible with. It leaves you room to grow, and adapt... you may change, yourself, between now and manifestation!
Knowing the power of thought and of magic means taking great care on the path your thoughts take. After all you can as easily manifest negative as you can good. In fact if you're a negative person, and put a lot of energy into your enemies and wrongs, hurts and cheats, you are bound to manifest more of these as the universe is merely providing you with the things you are sending attraction to. I try to be careful and when things happen I try to see silver linings in them, or think back on how I may have called a situation to me. You can fix patterns this way, and find new ways to think so as to avoid allowing that pathway to be clear, big and well trodden. Making peace in your mind is necessary for healing, and necessary to discontinue to call in the negative vibes.
What next? What to manifest next? Flexing the magic muscles is fun and helpful. Not in a greedy sort of way, but in a way that sort of lubes the gears... getting done what needs to be done, with a little energetic push. Hmmm! How about manifesting healing on that old horse with strange symptoms? Give that one a try, and see that he gets better over the weekend. Why not.
First hand though, now that's another story. It's downright weird, and although I've always known to "be careful what you wish for" or "the Rule of Three" in magic, having it reliably happen with even casual thought is a bit disconcerting. As you will... so mote it be. Ha! Well, coincidence may be random or it may not. I believe there was some book everyone was obsessed about 15 years ago that addressed coincidence as not random at all? Anyway, it just so happens that more often than not, when I think something it manifests. It can be downright annoying; like thinking of one of my clients or patients, and within that day or the next, they will need me for something (often an emergency!) It's gotten so that I try very very hard to NOT think of my clients or my patients, because I don't want to wish them ill. If I find myself thinking on them, I start sending positive Reiki just to cover them! Or how about knowing that putting my comfy sweats on at night will invariably lead me to getting called for an emergency? Every single time. So I sit in my work clothes until 10 pm just to be sure.
It can be greatly beneficial, such as when I decide I need an apartment or a car, and almost immediately things line up and work out. My friends say, "you have the most amazing good luck!" I say, good? Bad? If you read back far enough you will see I lost my home and pets to a very bad fire. Nothing happens small in my life, it all goes big. Real big.
Magic is energy. Reiki is energy. People, things, sounds, thoughts are all energy. It makes sense to me, then, that if all things are made of energy (atoms, particles, whatever) and magic is the manipulation or bending of energy in a certain direction or way, that it can greatly affect other beings made of energy. It's never been a hard concept for me to accept. Even as a doctor, I see and feel the benefits of Reiki as I work. The animals are energy, and exquisitely sensitive to boot; they get it, they like it, no problem.
Using magic to manifest something one needs is not only possible, but in fact so effective you need to be absolutely certain it's what you TRULY need or want, and that it will in fact HARM NONE as a result. At least this is my reality, as what I manifest does come about, and I have to be clear and concise.
One thing I never understood when I was younger is that magic and manifestation can take time. Yes, things can happen quickly. That can depend on need, too! Things can also take a looooong time. I started wishing for a partner, a good, loving, partner that was suited for me... careful wishing, there... in May of 2007, shortly after the fire; it took me until October of 2008 to meet him, and spring of 2009 to start dating him. I put a lot of heavy, specific PLUS vague magic into it, with a lot of care and a lot of patience... and it paid off. I simply was not ready until 2009. Turns out, neither was he, and it takes two to tango!
What do I mean by specific plus vague? How can one be clear and vague all at once? Well, I find that if you put too many specifics on the universe, it becomes a task impossible to fill. I clearly wanted a partner who was creative, kind, loves animals, loves easily without smothering, manly without being aggressive, oh and tall would be nice... that's specific. To keep it vague I said, but I mostly want the man who is best suited to ME. The one I can appreciate, adore, and admire. I skipped out on looks, nationality, even religion. None of that could matter! Several rituals and a couple of years, and here I am with a man I love to love.
Being vague in a specific way helps the universe to help you fill what you need. For example, you have to be specific on the things that matter, but vague on the things you can be flexible with. It leaves you room to grow, and adapt... you may change, yourself, between now and manifestation!
Knowing the power of thought and of magic means taking great care on the path your thoughts take. After all you can as easily manifest negative as you can good. In fact if you're a negative person, and put a lot of energy into your enemies and wrongs, hurts and cheats, you are bound to manifest more of these as the universe is merely providing you with the things you are sending attraction to. I try to be careful and when things happen I try to see silver linings in them, or think back on how I may have called a situation to me. You can fix patterns this way, and find new ways to think so as to avoid allowing that pathway to be clear, big and well trodden. Making peace in your mind is necessary for healing, and necessary to discontinue to call in the negative vibes.
What next? What to manifest next? Flexing the magic muscles is fun and helpful. Not in a greedy sort of way, but in a way that sort of lubes the gears... getting done what needs to be done, with a little energetic push. Hmmm! How about manifesting healing on that old horse with strange symptoms? Give that one a try, and see that he gets better over the weekend. Why not.
Monday, November 16, 2009
And thus, the end of Tribe Blog.
I have successfully transferred over all the blog posts I think are interesting or important. I really have grown, changed and transformed quite a lot since I starting blogging there! Amazing. I'm sad I cannot recover the photos from there, I wish I could. It's reason enough not to kill the profile on Tribe.
I think I will be writing down my experiences in here, now. I really enjoyed my Tribe blog, not just as a way to jot things down but also because I had the feedback of my friends. Oh well! It is for me more than anything, a way to get my forest stories down... and so I shall have them witnessed here, for me, by me.
I think I will be writing down my experiences in here, now. I really enjoyed my Tribe blog, not just as a way to jot things down but also because I had the feedback of my friends. Oh well! It is for me more than anything, a way to get my forest stories down... and so I shall have them witnessed here, for me, by me.
loving the unattainable
December 26, 2008
Ah, some of you out there will be able to fully relate to this... and the frustration it brings.
I have been learning so much of the heart and mind in my journey through love, with its myriad wants, needs and desires. Ever since I ended my last truly serious relationship in 2006, I fear I have not quite been the same. Something has gone a bit unbridled, wild... well, to be honest, I've fully come into my Self, my power and my beauty and frankly, it's made me quite undateable. I'm struggling to understand this, and I believe writing it out will help so bear with me (if you've chosen to read at all!) :-)
When I was younger I never believed I had beauty or any other seriously wonderful qualities, so I dated whomever seemed interested and was vaguely interesting themselves. That worked just fine; I actually dated some fine people, learned a lot- about assholes in the beginning, and about gentlemen as I began to "wake up". Through that time I learned what I like, what I don't like, and what I ultimately am seeking. While this was all going on, I sought to better myself- becoming highly educated, molding my body to my likeing, honing my wit and humor, and becoming the dancer and performer my heart cried out to be. This is the creation I have become... I have worked hard to become the graceful, funny, talented doctor I am now. I like what I have done. I'm proud of it.
And I can no longer accept "ordinary" as a match for myself. I have become especially multi-faceted and want nothing less from anyone I date. Why should I?
In my heart there is a man, pieced together from the wonderful qualities of all the men I have loved over the years- not just lovers but friends, as well. So many amazing qualities! And in my heart he is there, the Ideal Man, the absolutely unattainable man who likely does not exist. But why not? After all, I exist- smart, cute, talented, successful... why should there not be a match? And yet. Yet.
I'm torn between wanting this amazing man as a mate- the one I will settle with, and cherish; and wanting a little physical satisfaction in the here and now (I've got those needs to meet too... grrrr...) which doesn't need to be with an amazing guy. I just can't though. I have found I am really and truly no longer able to have a casual fling with anyone, because I want to be with someone of the caliber I present. I feel like a lot of guys just don't give a shit, don't put in the effort.
So here's the unattainable bit. (I bet you thought I was referring to the Ideal Man in my heart, didn't you? Yes, but there's more!) There are some pretty amazing guys out there, and I find them from time to time. When I do, they are always, for one reason or another, unattainable. Taken, married; gay; preoccupied; unwilling to date for some reason or another; living too far away; the list goes on and on. My heart has been smashed so many times these past few years for these reasons. It sucks, truly sucks. I know there's a pattern here, of course; isn't it "safe" to fall for a guy who will not even give you the time of day? Or who thinks you're good enough to roll around with but keeps the heart locked up tight?
The amazing thing is, the guys who I find to be of the quality and caliber I like, are always locked up tight somehow. Beautiful, creative, talented, smart, sensitive, energetic... and completely walled up. I would say there's a pattern except for the fact that I haven't met any that aren't in this way. The rest of the guys I've met that ARE available are ordinary, intimidated by me anyway, or so on.
The ones who have been available and seem to be amazing, have deal breakers... children, for one. That's a big one.
So.
If there is a pattern, which I'm sure there is (it's safer to fall for someone who won't fall for you, right?) I find it irritating and wish to get over it quick, so I can enjoy a satisfying connection as well. It would be so lovely! All this love to give, locked up tight and wasted on my cats. Fri,
Ah, some of you out there will be able to fully relate to this... and the frustration it brings.
I have been learning so much of the heart and mind in my journey through love, with its myriad wants, needs and desires. Ever since I ended my last truly serious relationship in 2006, I fear I have not quite been the same. Something has gone a bit unbridled, wild... well, to be honest, I've fully come into my Self, my power and my beauty and frankly, it's made me quite undateable. I'm struggling to understand this, and I believe writing it out will help so bear with me (if you've chosen to read at all!) :-)
When I was younger I never believed I had beauty or any other seriously wonderful qualities, so I dated whomever seemed interested and was vaguely interesting themselves. That worked just fine; I actually dated some fine people, learned a lot- about assholes in the beginning, and about gentlemen as I began to "wake up". Through that time I learned what I like, what I don't like, and what I ultimately am seeking. While this was all going on, I sought to better myself- becoming highly educated, molding my body to my likeing, honing my wit and humor, and becoming the dancer and performer my heart cried out to be. This is the creation I have become... I have worked hard to become the graceful, funny, talented doctor I am now. I like what I have done. I'm proud of it.
And I can no longer accept "ordinary" as a match for myself. I have become especially multi-faceted and want nothing less from anyone I date. Why should I?
In my heart there is a man, pieced together from the wonderful qualities of all the men I have loved over the years- not just lovers but friends, as well. So many amazing qualities! And in my heart he is there, the Ideal Man, the absolutely unattainable man who likely does not exist. But why not? After all, I exist- smart, cute, talented, successful... why should there not be a match? And yet. Yet.
I'm torn between wanting this amazing man as a mate- the one I will settle with, and cherish; and wanting a little physical satisfaction in the here and now (I've got those needs to meet too... grrrr...) which doesn't need to be with an amazing guy. I just can't though. I have found I am really and truly no longer able to have a casual fling with anyone, because I want to be with someone of the caliber I present. I feel like a lot of guys just don't give a shit, don't put in the effort.
So here's the unattainable bit. (I bet you thought I was referring to the Ideal Man in my heart, didn't you? Yes, but there's more!) There are some pretty amazing guys out there, and I find them from time to time. When I do, they are always, for one reason or another, unattainable. Taken, married; gay; preoccupied; unwilling to date for some reason or another; living too far away; the list goes on and on. My heart has been smashed so many times these past few years for these reasons. It sucks, truly sucks. I know there's a pattern here, of course; isn't it "safe" to fall for a guy who will not even give you the time of day? Or who thinks you're good enough to roll around with but keeps the heart locked up tight?
The amazing thing is, the guys who I find to be of the quality and caliber I like, are always locked up tight somehow. Beautiful, creative, talented, smart, sensitive, energetic... and completely walled up. I would say there's a pattern except for the fact that I haven't met any that aren't in this way. The rest of the guys I've met that ARE available are ordinary, intimidated by me anyway, or so on.
The ones who have been available and seem to be amazing, have deal breakers... children, for one. That's a big one.
So.
If there is a pattern, which I'm sure there is (it's safer to fall for someone who won't fall for you, right?) I find it irritating and wish to get over it quick, so I can enjoy a satisfying connection as well. It would be so lovely! All this love to give, locked up tight and wasted on my cats. Fri,
death of the deer
Fri, November 7, 2008
I never even saw him until he was already hitting the car. It's rutting season... he was likely headed out on a date... at 5:30 this morning. He never made it. I saw him as his shoulder hit the front passenger bumper of the car, and then he was hitting the side of the car and it was done.
I threw the car, very much damaged, in park and had the presence of mind to throw on the hazards. I jumped out and trotted in my gym shorts over to where he lay. Mostly I was worried that he had run off, injured, to die somewhere; but there he was, a beautiful, healthy until that moment young buck. He was a 3 point buck, just getting into his prime. I was crying before I even reached him, where he lay in agony. My heart was wrenching for him to see him lift his head every now and then, wanting to run from the pain and the death. I sad by his back on the pavement, crying, giving him Reiki, waiting for the cops a nice lady had called for me.
As I sat with him, heartbroken, I prayed to Epona and Cernunnos to take him home to the summer lands. What a waste of a beautiful animal. I talked to him and apologised, keeping Reiki hands on him gently until the officer came and ended the pain with a bullet. I felt so helpless... I am a veterinarian! I am in this business to help and to heal, not to kill with so much pain. So senseless. And I felt so helpless, knowing what I could do to end the pain and unable to as I had only my car, and a dull pocket knife in the glove box. Nothing worth using.
I tried to find out if I could at least use the meat, or donate it somehow. Use the hide and so on. There was no way to, with me unable to transport him. It is going to go to waste. And that to me is the saddest thing of all, to have taken a life and watch it wasted this way. I pray for him and for forgiveness for taking a life and not using it as it should be. I hate that the world works this way... he could have fed a family and his death would not have been in vain.
All I can do is shed tears for a life taken.
I am unhurt, but the car is likely totaled. Why not? It's already been a hard couple of years; I'm ruined, financially, between the fire, school loans and a job that doesn't pay me enough to make it to the end of each monthly paycheck. I know I will be ok, I always land on my feet as my friends point out... but I am stretched thin, and getting to where I may not be able to recover. This is a lot of stress that I didn't need. I am surrendering to the absurdity of it all, financial ruin to follow my dreams of being a healer. In the end, if I lose everything and can never pay for anything again, I will still be a healer and my body is sound... more than I can say for that poor young buck.
Blessed be, little brother, find the Summerlands and run free again.
I never even saw him until he was already hitting the car. It's rutting season... he was likely headed out on a date... at 5:30 this morning. He never made it. I saw him as his shoulder hit the front passenger bumper of the car, and then he was hitting the side of the car and it was done.
I threw the car, very much damaged, in park and had the presence of mind to throw on the hazards. I jumped out and trotted in my gym shorts over to where he lay. Mostly I was worried that he had run off, injured, to die somewhere; but there he was, a beautiful, healthy until that moment young buck. He was a 3 point buck, just getting into his prime. I was crying before I even reached him, where he lay in agony. My heart was wrenching for him to see him lift his head every now and then, wanting to run from the pain and the death. I sad by his back on the pavement, crying, giving him Reiki, waiting for the cops a nice lady had called for me.
As I sat with him, heartbroken, I prayed to Epona and Cernunnos to take him home to the summer lands. What a waste of a beautiful animal. I talked to him and apologised, keeping Reiki hands on him gently until the officer came and ended the pain with a bullet. I felt so helpless... I am a veterinarian! I am in this business to help and to heal, not to kill with so much pain. So senseless. And I felt so helpless, knowing what I could do to end the pain and unable to as I had only my car, and a dull pocket knife in the glove box. Nothing worth using.
I tried to find out if I could at least use the meat, or donate it somehow. Use the hide and so on. There was no way to, with me unable to transport him. It is going to go to waste. And that to me is the saddest thing of all, to have taken a life and watch it wasted this way. I pray for him and for forgiveness for taking a life and not using it as it should be. I hate that the world works this way... he could have fed a family and his death would not have been in vain.
All I can do is shed tears for a life taken.
I am unhurt, but the car is likely totaled. Why not? It's already been a hard couple of years; I'm ruined, financially, between the fire, school loans and a job that doesn't pay me enough to make it to the end of each monthly paycheck. I know I will be ok, I always land on my feet as my friends point out... but I am stretched thin, and getting to where I may not be able to recover. This is a lot of stress that I didn't need. I am surrendering to the absurdity of it all, financial ruin to follow my dreams of being a healer. In the end, if I lose everything and can never pay for anything again, I will still be a healer and my body is sound... more than I can say for that poor young buck.
Blessed be, little brother, find the Summerlands and run free again.
societal
Mon, October 20, 2008
I have been reading a series that Richard recommended these past few weeks- the "Dies the Fire" series by SM Stirling. It is about what would happen if in the space of a second we lost all our electricity and gadgets, all our higher physics in fact- no guns, no cars, no lights, no planes, phones, internet, nothing. Not even steam engines. No explosives. Rocketing human beings back to the bronze age, basically, without anyone being fit for truly surviving then. It's a grim thing, but eye opening... what would happen?
The things it makes me think about are how fragile our society really is, based as it is on the way we communicate, interact and commute. Hell, the *fact* that we commute is strange enough, really. What served to make life easier has only created a world where we are further and further apart, even when we live-literally- right on top of one another. I'd love to know some of my neighbors, to have a friend in this cold place, but everyone is immersed in their own lonely planet of schedules, work, tv shows and whatnot that it's easier to remain in your own shell rather than interact.
I've said this before and I still believe it; human beings are meant to be tribal. It's something we evolved to do and be, for so many reasons; safety, sharing of resources, raising of young, and so on. From a purely biological standpoint it makes sense. The way that things are now, though, we don't necessarily need to band together. Families are spread apart, people move around. The stress of working and needing money to function in this society means we spend long hours doing things we may or may not like, with people we may or may not like, and rarely see the families we try to provide for. It causes all sorts of rifts, odd behaviors and sociopaths...
Why is it that so many Americans are on mood altering drugs? Whether you talk about prescription drugs, like anti depressants, or ADD drugs, or self-medication like alcohol, food (sugar/ fat) and recreational drugs... it's all the same. It comes down to the same principle, the same reasons; we cannot cope in the way things are set up. It isn't natural, doesn't feel natural. This is not set up to make people feel relaxed and good, useful and healthy. We increasingly turn to outside things to make what we're doing OK, even if it isn't. What could be more alienating than coming home in your HumV to your solitary apartment, crack open a beer, order a pizza and watch TV until you fall asleep on the couch... only to get up, go to a 9 to 5 you hate, come home, do it again? Doesn't anyone else find this bizarre?
Anyway this series throws people back into the need to create clans, tribes, villages, and so on. They need each other to survive; they need each other's skills and knowledge, hands and minds. People are once again directly responsible for their own survival- the growing and acquiring of food, fighting to keep it (wish it wasn't that way), maintaining and building places to live and keep animals, and so on. Am I saying I'd love to be in the middle of all that hard work, which guarantees you die early? The lack of proper medicine? Not really... but the idea of a clan, a tribe, a village... that appeals to me. Maybe this is born out of the loneliness I've spoken of before, being stranded here in central Ohio with all my tribe far far away. I'd say that's the case except I've felt that way for a long time. Not that I don't appreciate my alone time, my solitude; I do. I just like having the people I admire, care about, and love close at hand. I enjoy seeing people I love, seeing them happy, looking at the things they've made and accomplished. It means a lot to me, since I'm so social. This isolation, this stark contrast to what we are meant to do is torture for me. A special kind of hell.
The other thing the series brings to light is that something not unlike that situation could very well happen. Perhaps not to that degree, not to that severity, but I can't see things continuing as they are. The ideas like Mad Max could certainly happen- ownership of resources like water, or the shortage of oil which will come to pass eventually. What will people do? People can all too easily collapse into violence and chaos, rather than the spirit of community... because of how things are now. Each for his own. What do I possibly owe my neighbor? Or anyone here? There is no feeling of allegiance, of any kind of kinship really. We live on the same soil, and there it ends. Odd. So, damn, odd.
I have been reading a series that Richard recommended these past few weeks- the "Dies the Fire" series by SM Stirling. It is about what would happen if in the space of a second we lost all our electricity and gadgets, all our higher physics in fact- no guns, no cars, no lights, no planes, phones, internet, nothing. Not even steam engines. No explosives. Rocketing human beings back to the bronze age, basically, without anyone being fit for truly surviving then. It's a grim thing, but eye opening... what would happen?
The things it makes me think about are how fragile our society really is, based as it is on the way we communicate, interact and commute. Hell, the *fact* that we commute is strange enough, really. What served to make life easier has only created a world where we are further and further apart, even when we live-literally- right on top of one another. I'd love to know some of my neighbors, to have a friend in this cold place, but everyone is immersed in their own lonely planet of schedules, work, tv shows and whatnot that it's easier to remain in your own shell rather than interact.
I've said this before and I still believe it; human beings are meant to be tribal. It's something we evolved to do and be, for so many reasons; safety, sharing of resources, raising of young, and so on. From a purely biological standpoint it makes sense. The way that things are now, though, we don't necessarily need to band together. Families are spread apart, people move around. The stress of working and needing money to function in this society means we spend long hours doing things we may or may not like, with people we may or may not like, and rarely see the families we try to provide for. It causes all sorts of rifts, odd behaviors and sociopaths...
Why is it that so many Americans are on mood altering drugs? Whether you talk about prescription drugs, like anti depressants, or ADD drugs, or self-medication like alcohol, food (sugar/ fat) and recreational drugs... it's all the same. It comes down to the same principle, the same reasons; we cannot cope in the way things are set up. It isn't natural, doesn't feel natural. This is not set up to make people feel relaxed and good, useful and healthy. We increasingly turn to outside things to make what we're doing OK, even if it isn't. What could be more alienating than coming home in your HumV to your solitary apartment, crack open a beer, order a pizza and watch TV until you fall asleep on the couch... only to get up, go to a 9 to 5 you hate, come home, do it again? Doesn't anyone else find this bizarre?
Anyway this series throws people back into the need to create clans, tribes, villages, and so on. They need each other to survive; they need each other's skills and knowledge, hands and minds. People are once again directly responsible for their own survival- the growing and acquiring of food, fighting to keep it (wish it wasn't that way), maintaining and building places to live and keep animals, and so on. Am I saying I'd love to be in the middle of all that hard work, which guarantees you die early? The lack of proper medicine? Not really... but the idea of a clan, a tribe, a village... that appeals to me. Maybe this is born out of the loneliness I've spoken of before, being stranded here in central Ohio with all my tribe far far away. I'd say that's the case except I've felt that way for a long time. Not that I don't appreciate my alone time, my solitude; I do. I just like having the people I admire, care about, and love close at hand. I enjoy seeing people I love, seeing them happy, looking at the things they've made and accomplished. It means a lot to me, since I'm so social. This isolation, this stark contrast to what we are meant to do is torture for me. A special kind of hell.
The other thing the series brings to light is that something not unlike that situation could very well happen. Perhaps not to that degree, not to that severity, but I can't see things continuing as they are. The ideas like Mad Max could certainly happen- ownership of resources like water, or the shortage of oil which will come to pass eventually. What will people do? People can all too easily collapse into violence and chaos, rather than the spirit of community... because of how things are now. Each for his own. What do I possibly owe my neighbor? Or anyone here? There is no feeling of allegiance, of any kind of kinship really. We live on the same soil, and there it ends. Odd. So, damn, odd.
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