Queen of Chaos

Change. Open. Expand...

That is what happens if you hang around with me. I can say all this with assurity simply because it has happened so many times with so many people that I can't ignore it or deny it... basically, I hang out with people, their minds are opened, they morph... change...My friends used to call me the Queen of Chaos, because it seemed to follow me around like an eddy or wake of a boat. In my path would not be destruction, but change (which can look like destruction to some I suppose). I can't help it. This may sound like a bunch of new agey weird stuff, but I have an effect on people that changes them. I don't know how to explain it without coming off as strange or like I have a big ego or something. I want to try. I need to express it so I can better understand it.

I am a doorway. A conduit...

So many of my relationships with men have been with people that were closed down and needed to be opened. This used to cause me a lot of pain because I didn't understand what was going on- why is it every time I get together with a guy, he blasts open, gets addicted to me, and I feel unfulfilled because I have nothing to learn? It distresses me because it means I attract people who need a doorway opened for them; and so often it will leave me in an awkward position because that is not a balanced relationship (because unfortunately, it's so strong it's often mistaken for love or a love relationship- in which the two people are not equal).

I have been stalked 5 times, and dealt with intense emotional attachments that I could not return... all the while thinking, why? I'm just me, I'm not a supermodel or intensely brilliant or anything... why does this happen? What the hell is going on?

A few nights ago it hit me like a ton of bricks. Solid and all of a sudden. Even the responsibility of what I have been unknowingly doing hit me all at once. I touch people- mentally or physically, doesn't matter- and they respond in a deeper way. Some people become frightened and find me too intense (something that also used to cause me a great amount of pain!) and then run away. Others find it exhilerating, and want to have it, be it, own it; that is something that has never settled well with me.

I am a healer, and people are attracted to me for exactly that; for my energy, my vitality, my wholeness and happiness. I have dated a lot of very very sad people, deeply sad, because they feel something is missing from their lives; what they don't realize is that it wasn't me they were missing, but themselves... their own SELF... and I put them there, in touch with it, and they mistakenly think that it was me all along. I heal without even noticing I do it. It is that strong. But it leaves me so sad too, because I feel like I cannot attract the sort of person that is not sad and not 'needing' me. I felt pretty desolate- as in, aren't there any other people like me out there, who know how to recognize their own sadness and patterns and heal themselves? Why do I keep dating sad people who I fall out of love with as they fall deeper for me, because I cannot sustain enough happiness and energy for two?

Now, I don't mind healing a person who needs it. Healing is a great responsibility, and to think that I have done it without knowing- in other words, without someone's permission- countless times, eek! That is not good. However, f you think about the universe and the spirit and soul of people though, you can say that those people searched for it and needed it and who am I to deny them? And who is to say what I have been getting out of it- why am I attracting them to me? There is that pattern...

It leaves me so lonely, being able to see inside a person and see the hurt and where it needs to go. I can feel what people are feeling- I am like a raw open nerve or a barometer. I can show someone the way and show them their own light and beauty. All without effort at all. This is where I fear seeming like I am one big ego- I don' t mean to come off sounding like I am high and mighty and evolved, because whoa! I am not. I have a lot of growing to do still, and forever; and I realize it. I know where my faults are. However I have seen so many times the place it puts me, when I have been in a love relationship that was a hidden conduit for healing. So many times I have been hurt and drained from these kinds of connections. It is not good for me. I am often left feeling that the person is taking and not giving back, or so sad that they cannot see what I need too.

The saying goes, "healer, heal thyself" and indeed I try. Sometimes though, I would like the cool hand on my forehead; the soothing words that show the soul some light. This solace I can give to myself, and I can seek in some special friends I have; however I am loathe to burden them as well. I was very raw and open and painful the other day, partly from my Reiki II leaving me so incredibly open and jacked up- I have never felt such energy surges- and partly from the realization that being such a force can leave one very very alone. I have not been able to eloquently express what it is until now I think, because I did not know what it was that was causing people to become addicted to me and my energy until just recently. I did not even see the pattern until two years ago, after the blow up of a very tumultuous relationship that I still mourn because I finally met someone I could not heal and it opened my eyes to what I was doing inadvertently. That was my first step to removing myself from this path of destruction... it is not destructive to those that seek me, but it is ultimately destructive for me. And I cannot allow that to go on!

Someday I feel, I will find my equal. One who does not need to be healed, because he can do it on his own. One who recognizes the power in me and is not afraid, but sees familiarity and equality in it. I truly believe that people connect on deeper levels than what we can even see, and that when we enter into relationships our souls make an agreement as to what we will learn from one another; I am quite sure that I no longer need to learn what pain and suffering looks like in others who are too afraid to look inside and love what is there.

At first, a few days ago, when I came to the shocking realization of the truth of what it is I am, I lay there for hours with myself and a candle and tried to sort it out. I felt completely out of sorts and unhinged for a bit. Then I began to understand that I had healed part of myself that I did not want to recognize; I had denied forever that I have any sort of magic or such things, because I was afraid of being set apart and unable to connect with anyone- power is something that can leave a person very much alone. For this I denied for so long what I was doing.

Gradually as I lay there I began to calm and see that it does not mean I need to feel 'apart', but it does mean that I need to choose with care those that I let into my sphere, and how deep. There are plenty of people whose company I enjoy but instinctively know that they cannot come any deeper at the risk of my own mental safety... that's just how it is, to be sensitive. Even still I balk at this language because the common person, the normal American does not think about what it means to let people into their energy sphere; although it a way they do instinctually, if you look at how big the 'personal space' of the average person is.

Whew! This has been quite a brain stream, needing to come out for some time. These thoughts are not complete, I fear, nor eloquent in the way they will become when I am more comfortable with the idea... but I think the basics are thus:

I am a doorway, a conduit for change, chaos, growth and evolution.
I am a healer, and with each passing year, growing stronger and better at it.
I am a strong woman, and no longer afraid to be so.
I must be careful at whom I choose for love and partnership, for my own happiness and safety.
I must heal myself of the shock that I have pushed people into their own growth- without each of us knowing until it was done...

And so it is... is it truly good to be Queen?