Friday, January 28, 2011

Wings of the Heart, wide open

I was fettered, and didn't know it. Silk cords that bound my wings to my body, they were beautiful and for a long time I did not protest. They didn't seem to bother me. My soul, she knew. The wise woman beneath, sitting in her cozy cave, she knew too. A series of events and words, and suddenly even the light touch of these cords became too much to bear. I began to understand the price I was paying for the safety and comfort of routine in a home life I was not meant for. Isolation for many long years because of choices I had made only allowed the cords to settle more firmly about my body, until I forgot I had wings, I forgot entirely I could fly.

The choice, once taken, showed me that when I chose to flex my wings the cords fell away like spiderwebs. There was no heavy struggle, no chafing of bonds tied too tightly. Merely push my wings out, and the cords were gone. I grew heady with freedom and leapt from the cliff! Away! Into the air, stretching my wings. The air beneath my breast, filling the space beneath. Oh exhilerating dawn! The sky fills my wings with joy! Ah, freedom!

But, what is this? What, where? Where am I going? I don't know how to fly! I can't do this! Where am I going? How could I possibly know? In fact, I don't know at all! And I look behind me at the cliff. Safety, how can I return there? I can be good, I can sit still, I can take these silken cords and live with them with love, I can do it, I can...

No, I cannot. I look at that safety and see it is no longer enough for me. The cords do not even fit anymore. My heart is beating in terror- did I make the wrong choice? Am I crazy to throw all this away? I don't even know where the sky is taking me. Or rather, where I am taking me through this great beautiful expanse. I am afraid. I am free, and I am in the air, but I am not flying yet because I don't know where to go. I don't know what I am becoming. All I know is that my heart is blindingly, terrifyingly open- so much light! So open that I ache! How can I drink it all in? I want what is coming. My soul knows. She knows that to fly is to live, and I want to live. I don't want to just exist, a shadow of myself, looking for wings by the light and shade on the wall. I want my wings under me, I want to know what it is to truly live, to feel the passion of my soul surging up through this open heart and into the sky. There is enough, there is more than enough, it wells up and through me and I want to be ready! I want to be free!

And so in doubt I turned to the wise woman within, in her sweet and cozy cave. I sit quietly and look within, and she is there, curled on her furs, knitting by her fire. She has happy crinkles by her eyes, and I know her. She is me, she is the Grandmother. She speaks quietly and it takes courage to listen and stay still enough to hear her.
"The choice you have made is the right one. You cannot stay where you are. The life you made here is not enough for you. You will die by degrees in unhappiness in it, and you know that. The one you are leaving behind, what he chooses is not for you to decide. You were the guide and the mirror, the doorway. Such great gifts you have given him, helping to see himself, his path, his own light. Do not fear being forgotten here, because your love was a turning point for him to greater love and greater bliss. You cannot stay and you know that. You need a greater, deeper spark to feel met and fulfilled, and he has not been this for you, and was not meant to be this for you. You found him when you were lonely and there, such amazing friendship blossomed in you both! However he cannot touch that deeper part of you, you must find it first yourself and find a way to open it. That is where your gifts lie, and your greater potential for love- of self, and of others. This is not your mate. If you never have one it is not something to despair of, find your passion first and let life unfold."

The quivering in my belly is still there, the beating of my heart- but less. More steady. I know what I need to do; to step onto the path and trust that what unfolds next is what I need in order to learn not just to fly, but to soar and live, fully.

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