Thursday, February 11, 2010

career vs life... soul searching

Am I ready to give up the thing I like doing in order to live more like I want to?  All my life my dreams have been carried on galloping hooves, borne on strong backs and flowing manes across the landscapes of my mind.  I focused hard on horses through school, letting the endless focus of small animal wash over me like rain, soaking up the tid bits of horse medicine when it came.  I took this job here in the beautiful but socially desolate North East Ohio because they said I'd be doing mostly equine- which has turned out to be a lie.  Thrown into small animal, a thing I feared and loathed, I persevered.  Because I spend much of my time doing it I have, despite myself, become pretty good at it.  But meanwhile my psyche is suffering.  We have no friends here, nothing to do, no dancing, no music, nothing but our worthless jobs with bosses we can't stand to break the monotony.  At each other's throats because we lack any perspective, we risk losing what we came here to preserve- our relationship.  I followed him here because I didn't want to be without him, and this place is ruining what we have.  Our solution is to fix it, get out, move somewhere with life and vitality, where there are people, music, things to do aside from eat and shop (which are the main events up here). 

The problem I face is that there aren't horse jobs just anywhere.  In fact most of the places where horses seem to be, people really aren't.  Makes sense, really.  If I could be somewhat close to life and fun and still do what I thrive on, that would be amazing. 

Which comes to the crux of it- am I willing to give up being a horse vet in order to live somewhere I would enjoy more?  I mean, life is for enjoying, not suffering.  I want all of it- I want to do horse work, AND be in reach of my friends, AND be dancing, AND be near some goddamn culture!  What am I willing to give up?   I gave up friends for two years and I am at the end of my tether.  I'm going crazy, I am not who I was.  I can't do it any more.  I gave up culture for two years (those who say Columbus has culture or stuff to do, haven't lived anywhere else) and I feel I am going mad.  Carefully watered down Midwest crap disguised as "culture"... yogurt curd made digestable for the bible thumpin folks who can't stand the fact that there are other people who don't buy the nuclear family myth, the fact that this country isn't entirely christian or what have you, that there ARE in fact GAY people and they do have the right to life and happiness... not that I'm bitter, mind you.

I have had ENOUGH of the Midwest, thank you very much.

Anyway, what if I can't do horse work where I want to go?  Am I willing to give it up?  I fear that if I take a job all small animal, it will become difficult to get back into horses again.  Use it or lose it.  I am of course looking, I will be applying aggressively for a position to work with horses even part time.  Hell, I'm "mixed animal" now, I know I can do it and do it well.  Why not?

Thing is, it's not all bad to be small animal oriented.  Those folks get to just go home at night, have more predictable hours and business and so on.  Not a bad life, really.  Still, I love the medicine with horses, handling them, meeting them, figuring them out.  The challenges.  It's all good, to me. 

So I guess, yes.  I can't live so far away from things that make me happy anymore.  I hate this existance, there is much much more to me than just vet med.  In order to stay who I like being, I need to do more of what makes me "me" and rejoin the living.  If it means I sacrifice some of what I am doing, fine.  It's not like I'm quitting being a vet (and it's all fun anyway).   I just need to believe the right job will come, I will get to do what I want to do.  Where I want to do it.  That would be just great.  Please please please just give me a key to happiness again and get me the hell out of here.